The Arrogant Jerk

THE WEDDING PART ONE

MAKHOSONKE

Fuck. It is so hot in this place. Yerr. How do people survive this? I can’t even breathe. The hot air is suffocating me. I wonder how the love of my life lived here. It could never be me shame. Luckily, the drive from the airport to the hotel we are staying at is very short. But knowing that we still have to travel almost an hour to Nsukka in this heat, yoh. If we weren’t fetching my missing rib, I wouldn’t have come shame.

“Dude, how beautiful is your woman?” my varsity friend, Sphelele, asks while fanning he keeps himself. Even the air-conditioner seems to be broken somehow, though it’s working. I am with my groomsmen; Sphelele, Kamva, Masande, Malusi and my best man, Phungashe. His parents lacked creativity, I don’t wanna lie. They just took one clan name and they were like 'son this will be your name'.

I roll my eyes at Sphelele's question. “I don’t know if you’re insulting me or this is a rhetorical question.” We are in Victoria Islands, Nigeria, for the traditional Igbo wedding. I had to get some guidance from an old wise man on how everything is done during this time of wedding. I didn’t want to be some clueless guy from KZN what knows nothing but what he sees on TV about the Igbo tribe. Since the ladies from Elegancy Planners are the ones planning both our white and Zulu wedding, we also tasked them with the Igbo wedding. They had to come to Nigeria two weeks prior in order to see if everything is going according to plan. I don’t  know about my wife but I love perfection and I wasn’t going to trust some village women or my mother in law to plan my wedding. I am no slay king but I am picky and I have standards, so no. There is a marquee which is in a clear field that’s two minutes away from Chizoba’s home and that is where the wedding will be taking place. My Nigerian advisor told me how everything will be done. The Nigerian culture is an interesting one. I don’t know why it took me so long to learn about it.

“TIME TO GO!” Mawande shouts from the door. This is it. This is where I go fetch my woman, my everything.

We travel on a convoy from the hotel to Nsukka. I am anxious and nervous about today. There will be no vows or anything but I am still anxious and a bit nervous. But I cant wait to see Chizoba. She is a natural beauty, so I can’t wait to see how they dolled her up for this occasion. As we approach the marquee, we see a lot of cars parked in the prepared parking area. This place is like a local sports ground covered in red soil, but I love what the planned did here. They transformed the whole thing into Somizi's wedding. The planners outdid themselves. I wonder how are they going to top this off.

As we climb off the cars, some ushers rush to us and hand us those straight Chinese umbrellas. We are then escorted to the entrance of the venue. I am with my groomsmen, my family and friends. Most of my people will attend the two weddings back in South Africa. When we get to the entrance, there is a huge long ribbon sealing the door. Right on cue, my superstar of a sister starts the 'Baba mnumzane' song and my entourage sing with her. After a few minutes of singing, dancing and some ululations here and there, Chizoba’s bridesmaids come to the entrance. We were ordered to shower them with money the minute they get to us, so my groomsmen start throwing R200 noted at them. They dance with us and after a while, they head back inside.

“Did it work?” my baby brother asks and I shrug.
“Only one way to find out.” I respond.

Then my hope, my everything, my lifeline comes to us wrapped around a gorgeous gold sequins Ankara mermaid dress with a matching head wrap, a lot of bling and white heels. She looks like a black Barbie. She is carrying a black and gold walking stick and a cup. She raises her head and smiles at me. I am a goner. Can someone tell her to tone down her charms? When she is standing only two feet away from me, an usher comes to her. He hands her a pair of scissors. She uses the to cut the ribbon, then places the cup on my hat which is also black and gold like a my suit, a black and gold Ankara suit with black Tom Ford shoes. She hands me the walking stick and then extends her hand. I gladly take it and kiss it before hugging her. It feels so good to have her in my arms again. Together we dance to my family’s song as we make our way into the marquee. The guests stand up and dance with us. After that dance session, Chizoba and I move to the main table.