A Broken Heart (KimChay fanfic)

Chapter 32 - Hug

"You want the truth? Okay let's put everything in clean plates. I feel guilty because while my brother was doing horrendous things to you, I was just partying and fucking around. I could have done something to help but I didn't even know he was here, and my father only called to tell he was dead..." I can see he is being honest

"If you're here because you pity me or you feel guilty you can turn around and leave, there's already plenty of that here I don't need more. But I'm really sorry about your brother, I know I'm the one that killed him, but I'm sorry I made you lost someone from your family..."

"You know, I thought a lot before coming here, because I should be mad at you for killing my brother, but I'm not. I don't even feel like I'm allowed to because I did the same." I look at him questioning "When I was seventeen, he gave me to a bunch of his friends, I was a cute little twink and they were horny scumbags that couldn't get anyone to fuck so my brother said he wanted to met in a random house, when I got there it was a filthy place and there were five of his friends there, I didn't understand what was going on but as soon as they started to get touchy with me I knew my brother had given me to them." He takes a deep breath "I killed them all, I had my gun with me so I didn't even think twice, I shoot them. They were the first people I have ever killed."

"I'm sorry you went through that and I think you are allowed to feel mad at me and to be sad." I say trying to comfort him somehow

"You're a good person Porchay, you didn't deserve what happened to you." he says looking at me tenderness

"Can I ask you something?" he nods "After that happened what did you do? What changed?"

"Pretty much everything changed, I stopped talking to my brother and I changed a lot. I spent a couple of days wandering why he had done that. I was always a good brother and then I realise I was the only person keeping him from the power he loved and wanted."

"He talked about you, just bad things." I say

"Yes, he hated me. It was hard to realise he would never see me as his brother but only as some obstacle." He lets out a deep breath "I don't like to talk about those days but I know you're going through similar things so I'll tell you what I did. After that day I started to see me as a problem, it all happened because I was born and because I didn't look masculine enough, whatever they adjective as masculine these days because I think it's all bullshit. It was a long journey of self-hate until I finally realised, it wasn't my fault, I was the victim, not him. I think one of the hardest things was to admit to myself that I was indeed a victim, because the others see you like that but you... I'm talking about myself right now, I just tried to pretend that I could still be the same even if I knew I couldn't. When I accepted that I needed to change not just because of what happened but also because of my future, I didn't let those memories hold on to me anymore, I freed myself." I know I have tears in my eyes "It's hard to just let go, but I like to think that because of the person I was, because of what I suffered I'm a better person now. You see, in this world everyone has scars, on some people they are just more visible than on others and we don't need to be ashamed of that. People go to war, kill innocent people and come back acting like they are heroes. We didn't do that, we survived, and we don't have to be ashamed of that." he smiles at me and I know that as him, I am crying

"This is just so hard... it feels so worthless... I... I just want to live my life, to choose what I want to do and to have fun... this wasn't suppose to be like this..." I say between sobs

"Hey! It's okay, I like to believe that everything happens for a reason, we just don't know it yet. It sounds like a bunch of bullshit if you give it much thought so don't..." I laugh at that last part