I was never ready.
Flirtatious looks, stolen glances, untitled poems, longing hugs—I was not ready for those. So when you entered my life and served me the things that I haven't even experienced, I was scared.
I was scared of how we understand our languages, the way our heart speaks when our mouth can't utter the words, the way my hand shakes when I reach for your collar, I stiffen. I stiffened when the thought of letting myself loose for someone strikes my mind. I thought of letting my guards down, being comfortable — being someone's someone, and I stopped.
I stopped... and I realized.
Why do I make things complicated?
The way I stopped things before it went out of my hand — again, I was scared. The longing feeling of love reached the inside of my throat — I said "Yes", the tempting feeling of not disappointing everybody's plan was there — like it's yelling directly in my ears — "don't fucked things up."
So I said yes.
I said yes to everything that you've been planning, even if the feeling was not there, even if I was scared — even if I was feeling nothing at all.
And due to the fact that my breath only gets stable when I stop everything that we started — that moment, I knew, the pain is the only thing that I am looking forward to — in "us".
Because in my mind, I was never ready —but I started everything — And everything stopped when I ruined our 'something'. I wanted to blame myself for the decision I've made, because I let you tolerate my inner soul thinking that everything's normal for a one week love — but oh, it's not?
It's not.
It's not love.
-SDMP.
