Ten Seconds or More

You Don't Get It

I watched the video that played on the screen, watched it with hatred pouring through my veins. Hatred for Ryan. Hatred for him keeping this from me for so long. My brother stared back at me. 

"Hey, kid. It's me. I know you're wondering why I didn't give this clip directly to you, and I gave it to my best friend who lives in another state, but I knew he was moving close to us. My hope was you wouldn't see this until you were ready," Carson's voice began to pound in my head as it broke on screen. Ready? I was ready when he was alive! 

"I wanted you to know there was never anything you could have done to save me. I was going to therapy, I tried. I did what I could to save myself and it didn't stick. Nothing stuck," Carson shivered out. He looked down at his hands, hands that held the necklace I found on my pillow the morning he died. The morning he took his own life. I grabbed the smallest key that was held around my neck. "This key isn't just a key. It really does go to something. A box I also gave to Ryan. I need you to look what's inside the box. Because I wrote everything I needed to say to you in there. I tried to make this to tell you, but every time I tried I couldn't. But this, this is what I can tell you. You are loved. You are smart. You're the most confident person I've met in my entire life. You are always more than I'll ever be and I've always loved that about you. I love you, little sis."

The screen went black as the tears choked themselves down my cheeks. I stared at it, the darkness. Questions racing through my head. And then the anger set in. 

I turned to Ryan, who sat next to me like he'd seen the video a thousand times over. He probably had, being the one my brother trusted with it over me. Ryan looked down at his hands. 

"I can't find the box," he whispered. The anger boiled more. 

"He trusted you with the box and you lost it?!" I screamed. 

"No. He gave me a cryptic code to find it. And I can't exactly break into your house to get it, so I just don't have it."

I got up and stormed out. 

My feet pounded on the floor until I reached Carson's room, throwing the door open. I began to look, anywhere. Everywhere. My fingers touching places that hadn't been moved in over a month now. 

"Casey..." Ryan's voice hardly registered in my brain. "Casey it's not in here!"

I turned on him quickly, whiplash hitting my head. I tried to ignore it. 

"Then where is it, Ryan?! Where's the damn box?" I seethed. 

"I'm not telling you until you calm down," he replied. He seemed so sure it would work like that. He was wrong. I grit my teeth.

"You think that just because you were his best friend that you knew him?" I took small steps closer to Ryan, almost stalking. "Did you know that the scar on his chin wasn't because he fell on a bike, it was because I pushed him on a rock but he wouldn't tell anyone because he thought I would get in trouble despite it being an accident? Did you know that he used to cradle me in his arms when I was ten to hold me as I cried over some stupid childish crush that didn't go my way? Did he tell you that he hates ramen made in the microwave because it's too mushy but if you don't make it on the stove long enough, it's not mushy enough for him? And he loved dreamsicle popsicles but only if they had strawberry syrup on them? Did you know his every move at every time, how he would react to every little detail instead of focusing on just one thing? No, because you don't get it. He wasn't just my brother, he was MY best friend. He was more to me than he ever was to you and I don't care how harsh that sounds. He was mine before he was ever yours. My brother, my twin. He created a world far from this one with me and it was all just in our heads but it was our world. It was ours. And he died, for what? For you to keep the last thing he would have ever told me from him? I want the box, Ryan. And I want it now."