Beastars: A Symphony of Life

Chapter 111: A Dark and Stormy Night

Shoji hadn't moved all day. He had been sitting in the same position all day on the balcony, leaning against the glass pane that was the railing. He had forgotten his sense of time. Shoon had left the bathroom and tried to talk to him, but the wild dog had held his place stubbornly in the chilling autumn air. He was in a confusing state of hating himself, Shoon, the world. Yet at the same time, he couldn't, just, jump from this ledge, after the mantis enclosure he had thrown down to the pavement. Shoon hadn't even mentioned that. Perhaps he hadn't even noticed. Either that, or he didn't care, focusing instead on the problem, trying to fix it. Was that it?

His body tensed again, his mind hardening as someone came into the room. It took awhile for the scent to reach his nose, but Shoji could tell straight away it was Shoon. He was back from conducting business, which told the painted dog he had been there all day. He stayed curled up, back to the apartment while he listened to Shoon move around inside. He put something heavy on the kitchen island countertop and he heard him take his phone and wallet out of his pockets and put them on the stone as well. He heard him sigh through the mask and take that off as well. That was dropped on the floor and he heard his heavy boots walk across the room and he picked up the pill bottle from where it had been left that morning. He walked out onto the balcony behind Shoji and stood there for a few seconds before sitting on the edge of a chair opposite him on the balcony. He put the pills on a small table next to the chair and didn't say anything, just sat so his presence was known.

Shoji still didn't move. After a few minutes, Shoon leaned back into the chair and looked out in the same direction Shoji was. The sun was setting, but storm clouds had rolled in and blocked it out.

"Shoji, you've read the statistics," Shoon said into the empty air, knowing his words would still enter his fiance's ears. "You know more than anyone else about..."

He trailed off. This was difficult for him. It had always been a challenge for him to have a heartfelt, emotional dialogue. Empathy wasn't his strong suit, but he was trying. That was enough for Shoji to turn his brain back on to at least listen to him.

"These doctors," the hybrid continued. "The way they talk about 'surviving'...like it's the only thing that matters. One year, two years, what's the difference? I mean...what good is it to just survive if I am too sick to do my work? Enjoy anything? To...love you?"

Shoji cast a glance at the hybrid, feeling he should show him he was listening to what he was saying. He didn't even try to hide the tears.

"For what time I have left," the hybrid carried on, turning to return the look to Shoji. "I want to live in our own home. I want to sleep in our own bed. I don't want to have to choke down bottles of pills every single day, and continue to degrade at a slowed, painful rate losing my basic functions of living each passing week. Lying around too drugged up and tired to get up and so nauseated that I can't even move my head. And you...cleaning up after me?"

Shoon shook his head and wiped his face, breaking contact with Shoji to try and keep himself from breaking down.

"And me some," he pressed forward with a shaky voice. "Some dead man. Some, artificially kept alive, thing...just marking time? Because that's how you'll remember me. That's the worst part. So...that is my thought process in all this."

Shoon looked behind him, over his shoulder, unable to show this weakness. Shoji slowly stood and walked over to him. Shoon looked up at him as the wild dog sat on his lap, arms draping over his broad shoulders. They looked deep into each other's eyes. Shoon had explained his side of the argument, and Shoji had said bits and pieces over the last few weeks that outlined his. But there was one thing that he felt he hadn't made clear.

"And what about the day you wake up and don't remember who I am?" Shoji asked.

"Then I guess I'll have to fall in love with you again and again," the hybrid sadly smiled.