Keep me in distant sight

Chapter 4 : When we parted, my heart wanted to die

Now that he thinks about it, the walls of his new room aren't really white. There's a tiny smudge of gray in the ocean of white so in reality, his walls are a washed out light gray.

What to do with this information?

Absolutely nothing.

It's just one more useless fact to focus on as he tries to forget the situation he's in. It doesn't work that much, if he is honest with himself. The bloody ends of his fingers speak for themselves.

He's worried sick.

He hasn't touched his food since the last two days.

He has paced around his room so much that he's positively sure he has left a dent in the ground.

He had even screamed in his pillow when his thoughts got too loud and they needed to spill.

As it is, he's laying on his bed, gaze fixed on the ceiling where dust collects in little clumps, trying to escape reality and failing miserably.

Like he had failed to keep his status a secret. Like he had failed to protect his friends.

Oh gods. It's been two days since he had last seen them. And they won't see each other ever again.

Fuck. He should have never drunk that night. What was he thinking? Throwing caution to the wind when he had not only his life, but his friends' as well? Of course their superiors would open an investigation, of course they would manage to tear their alibis apart, of course they wouldn't take any risks with them - all this because for one night, he wanted to feel normal and let loose like everyone else.

But Keiji, you abyssal idiot, you're not like everyone else. You have a Soulmark and a Soulmate , he fustigates himself as he curls up on his side, allowing yourself to partake in such apocalyptic parties could only end in disaster. Life didn't give you the chance of being free so why did you try to swim against the current? Look where it has brought you. Alone in your room like a scolded child who, in a few days, will depart from Earth and never come back. Are you happy? I hope the party was worth it because its weight will crush you. Look, it has already begun, hasn't it? They have separated all of you, they have seen his words on you, they have all the evidence they need, all this because you couldn't control yourself for just one night.

Stop , he thinks, stop, stop, it's no use, the damage is already done. I knew I wouldn't grow old in this world. Being discovered was expected, it was inevitable, I knew I was living on borrowed time. Don't let it get to you, Keiji, you can't allow yourself to wallow.

But you did drag your friends with you, didn't you? Your poor friends who were trusting you to keep it together for their sake as well . They could have lived, their bonds could have stayed hidden until the end but no, you allowed them to get close to you and thus, condemned them alongside you.

I didn't force them to be my friends, they chose to and stayed. I tried my best to keep everything in check , he tells himself. We made plans in case of an emergency. They didn't work out but it wasn't because we were careless. No, they weren't careless. I was.

Your poor parents. They sacrificed so much for you and this is how you repay them? Barely a month without them and look where you are. Pathetic.

Stop , he begs, suffocating himself in his pillows, crushed under the guilt and the venom of his thoughts, stop, stop, stop .

He wishes he had his friends with him right now. He wishes he could reboot time and go back to four days ago, when they were hanging out with Akinori in his flat. He wishes he could go back in time and punch himself square in the jaw before he takes a sip of that cursed liquor.