Lovers with Benefits

Chapter Twenty-one - Panic and Comfort

Gray smirked.

"You're my bitch, Natsu", he whispered into his ear, causing a shiver run down the other one's spine.
That was Natsu's last straw, he moaned loudly into Gray's shoulder, with his teeth in his skin causing a love-bite and soon his hot seed covered Gray's hand.
The pinkette shortly thought about licking it from the other man's skin, but threw that consideration away as Gray cleaned his hand in the sink. That was so hot. They both came and it felt like heaven.

But now that recovering from their climaxes sobered them up a bit, they didn't know what to do. Both of the students were breathing heavily as a result of their intense orgasms. The raven-haired guy slowly let himself slide down on the wall to sit on the floor, his elbows resting on his knees, his head down - staring into nothingness.

Natsu was still very drunk though, he couldn't fully understand what had been going on for the last couple of minutes, or hours. He was standing a few feet away from the other. Looking down on him, seeing the emotionless, maybe tired, face.

Was it all a dream?
Gray looked so real here.
Did he force him to do this with him?
Natsu panicked. With his big eyes fixated on Gray he started to lose breath.

He didn't want this.

"Are you okay?", Gray asked sincerely as he noticed Natsu's fight for air, his hand at his chest as if he were checking if his lungs were still working. He looked worried.

The panicking boy didn't give a response.

He didn't want this.

Instead, he unlocked the bathroom door, slid quickly through it and closed it again to leave Gray sitting on the tiled floor alone, confused and mouth open, and maybe he even felt the slightest bit of regret sneaking upon him. Weirdo, he thought.

The pinkette knew what was happening to him.
The feeling of not being able to breath, the panic that unexpectedly encased the whole of his body.
The numbness reaching from his palms to the fingertips.
Sounds only muffled, knees trembling.
The sensation of his heart being on the brink of explosion.

Panic attack.

He tried to calm himself with the affirmation of it being over soon, he needed fresh air, some water - and to be alone.
The crowd of partying, drunk students was drowning him.

With fast steps he reached the terrasse with the stairs towards the garden. Even though some people were playing beer-pong on a camping folding table, it was less noisy, the music and the disordered words by the crush of people faded into distance.
Natsu searched a cornered place to sit. The grass was wet from the dew, but it helped him to ground himself.

Natsu wasn't the smartest person, but he knew what triggered this.

He didn't want this. The memory.

He drew his legs towards himself, curling up into fetal position and burying his head into his knees.

Breathe in. Breathe out.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Breathe in. Breathe out.

The pinkette hated this. Those bodily reactions made him feel week physically and mentally. He didn't want to be seen like this. Especially not by Gray.

I just left him there... After using his intoxicated state for my own pleasure.. I can't remember how all of this happened. Did he even consent?

All that Natsu saw in this moment of panic and doubt was Gray sitting on the bathroom floor and staring into the air.

He hated it.
I'm no better than...

The pinkette felt a wave of self-hatred as he felt warm salty tear rolling down on his face.
He hadn't cried in a long time. Natsu never let himself cry, he always tried to act as if everything was fine or let it out as anger.
He was alright with upsetting people with his anger issues, as long as they didn't see him grieving about what had once happened to him.
He wouldn't be able to bear it, that they would ever know.

Minutes had passed when his breath became steady. He calmed down. Natsu felt shame as he wiped the tears from his face with his forearm.
He decided to go home and sleep. Maybe it was all a dream after all, he now hoped it was.

As the pinkette reached the front porch, a hand was placed on his right shoulder.
Keeping himself from flinching, he hoped it wasn't the black-haired man in question.

"Are you going home? I haven't seen you around since the party began", a female voice asked.

Natsu sighed in relief and turnt around to see Lucy Heartfilia's soft smile. The warmth of the blonde friend made him feel a little better. He grinned at her: "Yeah, I kinda drank too much and had to throw up, haha!"

"You're so unbelievable!", Lucy laughed and hit him against the upper arm as a playful gesture, "I think I'm going home, too."

"Hm, will you take a taxi? You live kinda far away", the man wondered. He didn't want his female best friend to walk home alone in the middle of the night.

"I'm afraid I can't find my handbag anywhere", she sighed, "I told Erza to bring it to school on Monday if she finds it, she stays here late to help clean the house."

Natsu pet her soft blonde hair, it was put in two girly pigtails. She was cute. "I'll walk you home", he smiled in his casual way.

The pinkette couldn't feel more grateful for Lucy being here right now, of course he didn't know this feeling was gratefulness.

As they walked the dark streets, lit by lanterns, Lucy gently placed her hand in Natsu's.

She's always so clingy when she's drunk, he thought and returned the mild, warm pressure as he appreciated her presence. He would have lost himself in dark thoughts if he had walked home alone.

They walked a few minutes in comfortable silence. The soft cold breeze flying against their skin was refreshing, soothing.

"Natsu?"

"Yeah, Luce?"

"I... I like you, a lot."