you can take my Soul, but never my Heart (omegaverse)

Chapter 3: play dead

Dazai learns within a week that motherhood is absolute hell.

He somewhat expected it with what he's read and what Yosano had warned him, but it's still a lot. Dazai could hardly keep himself alive, so taking the responsibility of another, much more fragile life is quite the burden for him. He isn't the kind of person to ask for help, so he takes it completely upon himself to dedicate every single minute of his life to Koko and her wellbeing. That means breastfeeding her on his too-small chest so often that the ache never really goes away, waking up every twenty minutes to make sure she's still secure and breathing in the cradle he's finally constructed and put in his nest, changing diapers (his least favorite) and clothes, and just... holding her.

He hardly ever puts her down, actually.

At first, he thought maybe he didn't deserve to hold her so often. His hands are stained in blood and sins, forever unclean from all he's done as the Port Mafia's pawn, and there's no amount of scrubbing that will ever clean them. He can't forgive himself like Oda did, and he can't learn to just forget about everything he's done. He has treated lives worse than garbage, uncaring of the death and destruction he has caused and supervised. He's too cruel, a monster, a demon, and he shouldn't be allowed to hold such a sacred life in his hands so easily.

But this is his chance at redemption, isn't it? This is the life he wants to save, for Oda. This is the life he wants to live for. His Kokoro, right here, cheeks pink as she gurgles with discomfort when Yosano comes by for her daily check to take measurements and make sure that she's still healthy.

She's small, though not premature. Yosano's best guess is that it's due to his illness at the beginning of his pregnancy, along with the fact that he doesn't eat as much as he should. But she seems to be happy and healthy, regardless, if not a little fussy and never satisfied with how much she eats. One month of her tiny life goes by until Dazai finally caves and asks for help, and Yosano starts implementing formula into Koko's diet to help ease the strain on Dazai's body and to better help her get what nutrients she needs. She also starts lingering after her short appointments to check on Dazai and his new daughter, and while she uses the excuse of just visiting, she refuses any assurances that Dazai is doing fine and all but forces him to sleep and eat and shower while she takes over Koko's care for a few hours at a time.

"The president has a soft spot for babies," she says one day, after writing notes in another notebook for Koko's growth on her second month of life. "He keeps bugging me to meet her." She sends Dazai a questioning glance, from the table over to where he's curled in his nest with Koko asleep in his arms, only awake because he doesn't want to stop looking at her soft face.

"Is that safe? For her immune system, I mean." Maybe he's being a little overbearing, but could you blame him? She's so small, and he's the only one she has to make sure she's safe. He meant what he said when he told Oda that no one would touch their child. No one is going to harm her. He only lets Yosano hold her because she was there when his baby came into this world.

"Maybe in a month or so, once she gets the rest of her vaccines," she says thoughtfully, pulling her phone out of her pocket and waving it in a tease. "But can I get a picture, at least?"

He makes a face, hunching over her in only half-serious protection. "No one but me gets to see her cute little cherub face whenever they want!"

She snickers, setting the phone aside but not putting it away. "All the work I went through, and I can't get a picture?"

"All the work I went through just for you to take one?"