i am sitting in stillness.
my mind is filled like a bleeding purple blood in the sky, scratched by the green hills they have up in LA. i think of you, the last time i touched you. how my hand found its way through your hair before saying goodbye, before knowing it would be the last time it would feel that way.
after you decided to leave i have been reinventing myself. now i want to paint. i want to write. i want to dance. i want to do something no one has ever done before. i want to convince myself that life can be good without the thrill of you in it, without the unsolvable mystery of your existence.
one less bell to answer, one less egg to fry.
i glance at my cigarette burning in the ashtray, longing & aching for the things i have never got to live. i wonder if i ever will. maybe not with you. maybe not in LA, maybe in another space or time. i think of the sunset boulevard. i think of myself, dancing at the riot with the windows open and a bottle of rosé.
i wanted to be perfect for you since i first saw you, with your messy thick hair and your quiet blue eyes - seems so long ago now.
but who am i? maybe just a woman that you couldn't handle, i think, taking a long drag. the late night conversations, the curiosity, the subtle touches - were you there with me? you used to say my name with a different taste in your mouth, it felt different from everything i have ever been called before. i'll miss that. just like all the rest.
my surroundings remind me that there's still time to find out. time to discover, to heal.
the waves are oozing onto the beach, smooth and quiet like a sunday morning song. the beach is a sweet reminder of everything i've lived, everything yet to come.
i end each day the way i start out.
✺
