Just don't give up on me

rain in eau rouge

*Elodie*

My breath was taken away when I entered the track. I had picked up the VIP pass, but had wanted to do this on my own first. I had not been back here yet and wanted to see what it did to me to be back there. I knew that Pierre would also come here and maybe he would ask me to accompany him.

But for the first time I wanted to be here alone.

I wanted to be alone with him. Talk with him alone.

My fingers wrapped convulsively around the small canvas I was carrying. It was the last picture I had painted before his accident.

I had painted him and his car and had wanted to give it to him at the end of the season. As a souvenir of the good season he had driven.

My whole body started to shake.

I had loved being here in the past. I had loved watching the races. Not just Anthoine's. I had loved Formula 1 for as long as I could remember. And that my brother would become a part of it had never been up for debate. With Pierre, one of my brothers was already in Formula 1, so to speak. I had often been at Pierre's races and had been so proud of him. I had been so proud of both of them and I had been sure that I would always be at their side.

But after the accident, everything had been different.

My legs carried me along the track completely on my own until I could see Eau Rouge. Immediately, something inside me tightened. I felt this urgent need to run away and hide until the pain subsided. But I knew it would not. The pain didn't subside.

It hadn't in three years and it certainly wouldn't if I ran away again now. That pain would always be somewhere inside me. Because nothing and no one could replace my brother.

But maybe I could learn to live with this pain. Maybe I could learn to deal with it.

I reached Eau Rouge and stood in silence for a long moment before slowly getting down on my knees and placing the picture against the rail.

"Hey Thoine.", I whispered, stroking the ground beneath me with my hand.

"I know, I know, I should have come by here a long time ago. But it's really hard without you. I miss you so much.".

I dropped to the track and stared at the picture I had brought with me. On the screen, I had captured his wonderful smile.

"Some days I'm just waiting for you to walk through my door. Singing something from ABBA or Grease and getting on my nerves so much that I have to throw something at you. But believe me, I would love it if you got on my nerves. And sometimes I think I can hear your laugh. I imagine you're there. And then when I realize you're not, it makes it hard every time. I miss you so much. I hope you know that I think about you every day.".

A raindrop hit me squarely on the nose and I started laughing.

"Of course you do. You always knew everything, stupid know-it-all.", I laughed even harder.

"Shit, I miss you so much.", I felt the rain getting stronger.

"Yeah, I know. I know you didn't want me to be sad for so long. But it wasn't that easy. Thoine without you it just wasn't the same. My head is so empty. I haven't painted a picture since you left. There's nothing there anymore. I never knew how much you were my inspiration until you were gone. But I'm trying. I've moved to Monaco now. That was always our dream. I work in a small art gallery there. You'd love Aurelia. She's totally weird, but so cool!", I could feel the rain beating down on me, enveloping me like a warm hug.

"I'm really trying. I try every day. And I'm here. I'm here and I'm going to watch the race. I'm going to cheer for Pierre and cheer for him like I always did for you. I even brought my camera and made a point to take pictures. I want my life back."