My Tides -Thanatos and Eros-

Thanatos

"Give your thoughts a voice! Just say what comes into your head!", I hear the voice of my therapist.

Like it's that easy.

I know it would do me good to just let it out.

I desperately need to allow the tide to flood my ocean floor.

That's part of it, isn't it?

My tides should follow the rules.

The ebb and flow of the tide must alternate.

Yet I simply have no idea how to allow this to happen.

It's too late.

My seabed is so parched.

Each tide would bring not life but death.

I would be swamped and drown in my own flood.

The impulses are so clear.

That's what I want.

All I want is to dissolve.

To finally free myself.

Finally be light and detached.

I don't want any more.

I just want to dissolve.

Rest in peace.

"What is going through your mind right now?" she wants to know from me.

I want to rest in peace and give her an answer.

"I'm not whining!", I scoff, "You have to pull yourself together! Life isn't a chocolate factory after all! I hate whiners!", I declare and immediately feel better.

How I hate these people!

These weak creatures who cry out for protection.

Who dare to need others.

Who don't work and let themselves be carried.

Adult people who behave like defenseless children.

Wanting to be comforted.

To simply let go.

Not bearing their responsibility for life.

I hate them.

They want to get their act together.

Get up.

Do their jobs.

Adequate.

It can be done.

You can.

Anyone can jump over their shadow.

The darkest shadows.

The darkest darkness.

Pull yourselves together, damn it!

Whiners!

"So who's a whiner in your eyes?" she leads the conversation.

"I certainly am not!", I nod, "I pull myself together!", I look at her, "Life demands strength and power! You can't just cry about it. It's no use!"

"You'd feel like a whiner if you allowed yourself to listen to your tears?" she asks me.

And I just look away.

"Is crying an expression of weakness, then?" she asks.

"Not necessarily. But it just doesn't do any good. You can cry as loud as you want. But you're still alone with your tears. You have to learn to cope on your own. You have to be strong!" I feel the lump in my throat.