My Tides -Thanatos and Eros-

Opening

For the past hour, I've been staring at the white light of my laptop.

Where black letters usually appear at the sound of my typing.

My thoughts swirl and are hard to contain.

This one therapy session has me so worked up.

And I just can't seem to begin to write my peace back.

After all, I know it's important for Maxim to face his past.

How else can he engage in free love?

How else can I engage with reality myself?

But surely I don't want my dearest men to suffer.

Something dark is still slumbering and it should be me who awakens it.

This is so difficult for me.

For days I've been writing around it.

Just past it.

Describing the sweetest situations without bringing out certain depths.

Dr. Lange wanted to give me time after all.

And she seems to agree with my approach.

Then I just tell her about the friendship that develops between Maxim and Nathan.

A friendship that pleases them both.

With certain moments of free interpretation.

When Maxim once again happens to have a trip to Mitte while Nathan is finished with university.

That he picks him up regularly.

Drives there.

And waits with a coffee for him to get into his cab, beaming with joy.

And the evenings at Patrick's house.

Amusing evenings of gambling and feeling good.

Three men among themselves.

Light-hearted and exciting at the same time.

Nathan feels happier than ever.

He has been seeing Maxim regularly for three months and the touches of roughhousing and

fighting are enough for him.

He is humble.

As long as he knows his Adonis is by his side, he's fine.

Even if he misses his tides on the North Sea.

Berlin is the warmest place for his soul in November, despite the cold.

When he has Maxim as his friend.

His smile when he tells him about childhood memories with Patrick.

His grim look when he sees Viktor appear on his cell phone screen.

And those big hands that make it their business to open any doors for him, to take heavy things

off his hands, to make him giggle.

When he tickles him.

And doesn't stop until Nathan is moaning for mercy, writhing wildly.

Maxim is his dream man.

Even if he can never have him as he so much wants before bedtime, in his dreams, and every morning he greets with the flash of his eyes.