It took 3 days before Dad let me out of my bedroom.
Even though I still needed medical attention, and even with everything that had happened, he still insisted on me being treated from the confines of the bedroom. He instructed the house staff to use the exterior lock on my door to ensure that I didn't try to leave, but he didn't need to. Where would I have gone, anyway?
Confronting anyone seemed impossible. While I had been greeted by Jae-ah and Maid Huang as soon as I returned to the estate, I still hadn't dared to contact anyone else. If my aunt and uncle cared about my return, they certainly didn't show it. It was better that way, though. They hadn't had anything kind to say about me before, so they weren't going to start now that I had been brought back from what should have been death.
The thought of Lucas and Aya twisted like a thorn in my gut, though. In all of the chaos that had happened, the day I left for the military base felt like years ago. I didn't recognize the me in my memory, or why I had decided it better to slip away without saying goodbye. Things had seemed so ephemeral and fragile then. What I didn't realize was that things were actually far more delicate than I knew. The fate of my entire family and lineage rested on me, and...
What? What had I done?
I couldn't make sense of it. I couldn't put together all of the pieces and determine whether I had been right or wrong. I had done some good things, but I had also done many, many bad ones. Where did that leave me? In this thankless plain between heaven and hell, waiting for fate to make its final judgment?
The news played loudly on the TV in the corner of my room. I had tried to turn it off, but it seemed that Dad must've instructed the staff to turn it on any time they entered my room. He wanted me to see the chaos I had caused. He wanted the understanding of the situation to wriggle into my psyche and beat me down in the way he hadn't been able to.
And it was working. How was I ever supposed to live a normal life again? How was I supposed to go face the other founding families, including the relatives of the boy I had accidentally—or intentionally—killed? How was I supposed to explain to Lucas why after so many years, I had gone to my death without a word? How the hell was I supposed to look Aya in the eyes and tell her that I killed her fiance, despite knowing that she had been dreaming of marriage all her life?
So if Dad was trying to keep me in my room, he didn't need to try so hard. I was too scared to see the world beyond that door. Somehow, I knew that nothing would be the same as when I returned.
On the fourth day, I went to visit Fern, who was still recovering in the estate infirmary. If I thought I was ready to see her before anyone else, I was wrong. Despite being cleaned of the blood and dirt that caked her skin when I found her, her body was still mottled in deep bruises, slashes, and cuts that went deeper than they should've. Her right arm rested in a sling over her chest, where bandages were wrapped tightly around her torso. Even with thick gauze bandages covering the horrible gash in her forearm, my stomach still roiled with unease and queasiness at the sight of it.
I should have given her more answers, but in the end, the thought was too much. Telling her that she had survived a near-death experience, but had essentially given up all of her autonomy and free will in the process seemed impossible. I could see it in her eyes—she had nearly died, only to come back to this? It was sick and unfair. There was no way around it.
So I said my piece and retreated like a coward, slinking back to the bedroom that I had only just been freed from hours before.
When I pushed through the door, though, someone was waiting for me. At first, I thought that the familiar figure was my brother, but quickly realized that he was much taller than Yun. His muscles tensed as he turned to see me. I watched his eyes trail me up and down, drinking in my features and lingering on every injury or sign of illness that still clung to my frail form. There were many.
