A Plagued Winter

Chapter 9

As I visit your grave once more, for once I don't feel fear. For once I feel almost ready to let you rest. Is that okay?

Carlee

Suddenly, without reason, I opened my eyes earlier than my alarm clock would achieve from me today. I knew without even having to check my phone on my dresser that today was The Day. Usually my body likes to wake me up with a far worse nightmare than it typically has in store for me when The Day has come. This morning, a nightmare that was purely just a memory accomplished the same task of the loud beeping noise that would ring from my phone with efficiency.

I wiped the leftover tears from my face with the back of my hand and squinted into the darkness.
The dark shadows of my room cast themselves on the wall by my bedside, the moon illuminating a pale light through my open window. The only window I had in my bedroom lay bare and untouched for over four years as if it was something sacred. I turned over in my bed and laid face down on my pillow. Shallow air streamed in and out of my nose as I held still and let myself relive the nightmare of my awakening. A memory I had buried deep inside.

When I was forced to go back home after the cops couldn't find Trey's body, after I had screamed that someone took him. I stormed into my room afraid and in despair. Tears, forever leaking down my face...I had almost forgotten they were still streaming until I tasted the salt on my tongue. I yanked on the curtains from off the rod above my six foot tall window. When they didn't budge, I pulled over and over until the whole rod came spiraling down from the wall and it hit the floor with a metal thud. My chest heaved up and down and my breathing shallowed. I was hyperventilating. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew I had to breathe in and out like I was taught. But I just couldn't. Instead, I stood in front of my window and put my hands to the cold glass wanting to pound on it with my fists until it shattered so I could feel like I wasn't the only one broken in the moment. Then, I sat on the window sill and leaned against the wall next to it. I stayed like that until morning, having hoped that Trey would walk out fine and everything would just turn out to be a bad dream. Hopeless, when he hadn't.

I feel as though part of me will always be waiting to see Trey walk out of those trees unscathed, alive and well. Even if he had run, god I wouldn't have cared. I would've ran out to the woods to meet him so, so glad that what I had seen was really just traumatic hallucinations. But Trey would never walk out of those woods again. And I am left to believe that those nightmares were real until proven otherwise.

Today was December 2. Another anniversary in Trey's honor. One that I knew Mikey was honoring as well, whether he believed Trey died or ran. Today was the day he left us. December 2 would always be carved into our memories no matter what any of us thought really happened.

An innocent group of friends playing hide and seek in the dark. The heart of us both, missing to the forest of trees. The blue and red lights of the cop car as it pulled up beside Mikey's house. The screaming.

I was certain that if I walked over to Mikey's he'd already be awake. He'd be looking out the window of his room wondering what happened to his best friend. And he would cry silently by himself, never acknowledging his pain out loud. Thinking he was too strong for his emotions. That's how I found him once before, curled up into a ball on his mattress, wishing and praying that Trey would return. That was before Mikey stopped doing the birthday rituals. It was my guess, that he just wanted to stop hurting so much. So he chose to let go.

Now, I feel hypocritical. I've held this grudge against Mikey for so long. I had felt like Mikey betrayed Trey in a way, leaving me to harvest the horrors alone. I carried his torch no matter how badly it burned me. And now... Now I'm conflicted.
Before, I never wanted to move on. I didn't have any reason to. As long as Trey was left a forgotten mystery then I would keep preaching the truth. It wasn't like I was going to ever forget him. I could never forget what happened that night even if I tried my hardest to. It was just a part of me now. But if Trey let Mikey move on and be happy. Then maybe... If I was selfish enough.. Trey would allow me to heal as well.