She was only a 14 years old, a teen who still wanted to enjoy the beginning of high school. Meet new friends, and have fun.
have you ever seen a stampede of horses? do you wonder what the hooves look like from underneath? have you ever tasted the blood from biting your own lips because you couldn't say no loud enough?
I never fought back. I didn't punch him. I kept my thighs tight and closed, but once he's inside you, you wish you were a streetlamp. A seat belt. A box of nails of rust, something hard and ruined. You'll wish you were a wild pony, a slick fish on a line. anything but a woman.
Once he's inside you, you just kind of give up and your eyes glaze over, they stay that way for years. There is no way to say what happened, words cannot say what races in my head. it took over a year to utter the word, the word that means what you did to me. it is a big word that does not have to be said for it to be felt.
Rapidly entering my soul. Attacking my insides. personally destroying my mind, eternally engraved in my skin. I can still remember that night after school how I showered trying to scrub all of out. your hands are imprinted on me. scarring me forever and can not be erased.
Your voice lingers in my ears, pounding in my head still.. Months after living on continuous returns. A bad daydream won't leave. Flashbacks and triggers, Simple things set me off. I feel insane in this world. I felt like I was the guilty one trying to prove my innocence.
I wanna go back and hug my younger self so bad. That little girl went through so much. I remember one night my friend told me " your trauma made u stronger." and all I said yea it did but what I should've said was No, my trauma made me traumatized, it made me weak, gave me sleepless night and memory loss. it gave me the feeling I never wanted. I made myself stronger, by dragging myself out of a dark place and dealing with consequences that weren't my fault.
He took it all off, I cried and cried but he was determined, he didn't stop he kept on being aggressive and when he was done I lost the definition of privacy.
I look back on the Vulnerable girl you took advantage of. I don't recognize her anymore, But I still wish I could go back, give her a hug, hold her hand and tell her "you are strong enough to leave and you deserve so much more."
