panic filled day at the zoo

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Beomgyu woke up surprised. Usually he has a nightmare or wakes with a head ache but this time he got great sleep. He goes to scratch his wrist and winches as pain fills his arm. He stops as he remembered the events of last night.

Beomgyu sat on the tile floor, dragging the blade through his arm over and over blindly. Not minding the blood falling from his arm onto the white floor. He didn't know how long he was in there but what brought him back was the knocking at the door.

"Beomgyu are you alright? You've been in there for a while."  He looks down to his arm covered in blood. Panic quickly filled his body. He jumps up and goes to get toilet paper to start cleaning up the mess.

"Yeah just a second" he yells to the voice outside. He quickly starts cleaning his wrist and then the floor, his breathing getting quicker as his wrist keeps bleeding. Beomgyu rummages through the cupboard and finds bandages, quickly bandages his arm and puts the bloody toilet paper in the toilet and flushes to make it seem like he was going to the bathroom. He shoved the razor in his pocket, can't forget that in there and let them see it. He quickly opens the door to a concerned yeonjun.

"Gosh beomgyu what were you doing in there were already done with the show" he says as he walks in the bathroom and shuts the door. Beomgyu stops, was he really in there that long? He unconsciously scratches his wrist and walks into his room. Quickly falling asleep as what he did took a lot of his energy.

Beomgyus thoughts get interrupted as soobin walks in the room, a bright smile on his face.

"Get ready beomgyu today the management said they would take us to the zoo!" He says as he does a happy dance and runs out of the room. Beomgyu chuckles at his leaders cuteness and quickly gets up to get changed, excitement filling his body.

Beomgyu loves the zoo, he hasn't been there since he became a trainee but his parents would always take him so they could go see the grizzly bears, his favorite animal. He quickly puts on a hoodie and some short pants, walking out of his room to where the others are sitting at the table in the kitchen.

"Morning hyungie! Are you ready for the zoo I'm so excited!" Kai says as he jumps around the kitchen. The others laugh at how excited the youngest is.

"Yeah I'm really excited, I want to see the grizzly bears" he says as a big smile comes on his face.

"Alright guys let's go, the managers are here to pick us up"

They all walk out of their dorm while talking excitedly about what they will do today. Beomgyu climbs in the car and sits in the back right seat. He puts on one headphone just in case the members want to talk to him. He closes his eyes. The others look to beomgyu then at each other. All of them sharing the same thought.

"Is he ok?"

Beomgyu woke up just before they got to the entrance of the zoo. Eyes shining as he looked at all the paintings of animals and the bright colored area. He flaps his hands excitedly as he looked over to hueningkai. Kai grinned at how cute the other was being. They all collectively get out of the car, talking about what they should do first.

"what do you want to do beomgyu?" soobin asks as they all looked at him. They all agreed in the car that beomgyu should get to choose where they should go first. Beomgyu looks to them, a feeling of anxiety washing over his body. Why did they have to make him choose? He is really bad with making decisions. Beomgyu scratches his wrist as he gets more and more anxious with each second passing. Taehyun noticed and decided to speak for him.

"I remember beomgyu hyung saying he wanted to see the grizzly bears." Taehyun says as he looks to his members. Beomgyu gives him a smile to say 'thank you' as he felt like he was about to have a breakdown if they kept staring at him. They all walk over to the grizzly bear exibit but yeonjun suddenly stops. 

"guys look you can pay to pet the foxes! we should definitely do this!" yeonjun says as he jumps up and down and looks back at them. All of them agreeing that this is what they should do and completely forgetting about going to see the grizzly bears. Beomgyu feels a shoot of pain through his chest. He wanted to see the grizzly bears why would they ask him what he wanted to do first but then completely change the plan. He scratches at his wrist angrily as they all get in line to see the foxes, completely forgetting about beomgyu.

As they were looking at the foxes and playing with them beomgyu started to hear the negative voices again.

'they don't care about you' he scratched at his wrist.

'they hate you' he scratched at his wrist.

'youre bothering them with being here' he scratched at his wrist

'it would be better if you were just de-' 

"beomgyu?"

he quickly looks up to a concerned soobin.

"beomgyu are you ok?" he asks again. beomgyu quickly nods and goes to walk away until he feels something. Soobin grabbing his wrist.

"I saw you scratching your wrist is it ok, are you hurt here? I have some stuff if you need it" he says as he goes to roll beomgyus sleeve up.

"no its ok im fine, just had an itch" he said as he quickly pulls his wrist away from soobin. As beomgyu walked away to see the foxes he didn't notice the worried look on his face.

After they were done with the foxes they had completely forgotten about the grizzly bears. Going around and looking at all the other animals and hearing and touching a lot of things. Beomgyu was starting to get overwhelmed by everything happening. The sick sinking feeling taking over as he starts to crook and flex his fingers.

"Let's go in the aquarium! They have a penguin exhibit in there" hueningkai says as he squeals thinking about the penguins. They walk in the aquarium and beomgyu gets slapped in the face by the smell in there. He mentally gags but from seeing how happy the others looked he didn't want to say anything.

They walked around for a while looking at the fish and other marine animals. Beomgyu suddenly stops Infront of the jellyfish. His eyes sparkled as he watched the color changing lights slowly fade into another color also making the jellyfish that color. He didn't even realize the others walked away until he went to go say something to them about the jellyfish.

"Guys?" Beomgyu asked as he looked around the place. He didn't recognize any of the faces and couldn't see the different hair colors of his members. His heart started to quicken as his breathing picked up. He was already upset from not seeing the grizzly bears but this pushed him over.

Instead of running around to find where his members went he stood and silently cried. Allowing the negative thoughts to cloud his mind. He wiped his eyes and decided to continue looking at the jellyfish. He didn't want to seem like a child and cry Infront of people he didn't know.

While he was staring at it, completely lost to the world around him, he was dragged out of his calm state by someone grabbing his hand.

"Beomgyu there you are! Do you know how worried we were!? Stay behind us at all times remember, If you wanted to look at something you could have told one of us." Yeonjun said angrily. To beomgyu it seemed that yeonjun was angry. Yet in reality yeonjun was looking out for him and was genuinely worried.

After beomgyu got diagnosed with autism they have been looking out for him more than ever. So losing beomgyu in a place where he could get overstimulated was not what yeonjun or the others wanted.

"I'm sorry.." beomgyu said as he hung his head. He was trying so hard to not cry Infront of his members. In reality they could tell that he had already been crying. Yeonjun looked back at his members with a worried expression and back to beomgyu. He patted his head and hugged him.

"Beomgyu I'm not mad, I was just worried ok?" He says as he hugs the younger. Beomgyu stiffened at the contact but hugged him back as he felt himself calm down. He shakily sighed though.

All he does is make them worried.

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