VANESSA
"How do you feel about that?"My therapist asked me."Is there truth to it... Do you feel abandoned by your husband since you moved to New York?"
"No, I don't feel abandoned by him. I know that the business is important to him and his family, and I don't want to come between that. I'm okay with this."
My therapist nodded while continuing to write in his notepad. I often wondered what was written on those pages, notes on me and my mental state or maybe little stick figure drawings out of boredom. I think I'll go with the first one.
"You can be honest here."He replied."Whatever you may feel, it's okay."
I looked down at my ring finger while I thought of Jeremy."I guess I just thought that he would be angry with me. He was at first, but it didn't last long. It surprised me because I'm used to him being somewhat of a hothead. He doesn't like me keeping things from him."
"Did you want Jeremy to stay angry with you?" He asked and I didn't reply."It would make it easier wouldn't it, to keep the secret about the baby if he was angry with you?"
I looked away, feeling uncomfortable with the sudden topic of conversation. Everything will always come back to the baby. The accident that Ollie caused that night, killing my parents, caused a domino effect of shit that happened in my life. It's never fucking ending.
"Deep down you think you deserve that, you deserve the anger and the guilt that comes with keeping this secret from him. You want your husband to be angry with you because in your eyes, little by little you would be paying the price."
"I regret what I did. Every day I wake up with this overwhelming feeling of guilt because of this lie, because I didn't give our baby a chance at life."I wiped the tears from my cheeks with the knitted sleeve of my cardigan."I always think about him, what he would be like if I had him."
"Him?"He asked.
"I guess there was no way of me knowing, but I always imagined it was a boy. Dark hair like Jeremyʼs and green eyes like mine... Maybe... I don't know."I sniffled and gave a half smile at the thought of what my baby would've looked like.
The room was quiet and my therapist waited for me to speak more. I noticed the birds on the tree outside the window, as well as a nest with eggs inside.
"They've been there a couple of days.."He said and caught my attention."What are you thinking about right now?"
I exhaled a breath."I um... I wish that I protected my baby. At the time I didn't feel like I had a choice, but I did. I had a choice. I think my Mom and Dad would be ashamed of my choices if they were alive."
He wrote in his notebook again before looking at me."Are you still keeping the journal?"He asked and I nodded."Continue to write down your thoughts and your dreams. And I suggest writing a letter to your husband, not to give to him, but to unload your feelings on paper. It might help with the guilt you're experiencing."
Having my secrets on paper. That's a disaster waiting to happen. I guess I could always burn it afterwards... you know, just in case.
I nodded my head again."Okay."
"I've forwarded your files over to a therapist I know in San Francisco... He's good at what he does. I've already spoken with him and he will call you to set up an appointment in the coming days. We've made progress here, Vanessa. I hope you will continue with the appointments."
Another therapist. Another person to open up and share my story with. But what good would it do? They listen... But none of them understand.
"How do you feel about the move?"He asked."It's normal to feel anxious about going back to where it happened."
