I was sleeping profoundly that morning after a long night of singing and fangirling with Darcy. She was sleeping beside me. I felt my grandma's steps coming up the stairs as she did every morning to give me my medication, followed by the usual knock on the door. As always, I responded half awake-half asleep.
"Here's your pill" she said like any other day, I took it with closed eyes and put it in my mouth. "I'm going to Lorraine's house, Ava" she said.
Lorraine, Lorraine. Who's Lorraine?
Oh, yes, my cousin. She sometimes sells us clothes. Isn't it a little early for that?
"Okay. Why are you going to Lorraine's house?" I asked as I was beginning to fall asleep again.
"It's Logan" she replied.
Logan? Aha, Lorraine's son, my cousin.
"He killed himself" my grandmother said. I opened my eyes.
I sat on the bed looking at my grandma in the eyes, hoping she was exaggerating. "What?" I said.
She grinned as she struggled to find words, "He hanged himself" she said.
I know she said more things but I stopped listening after that, I just muttered a soft 'okay' and she left the room. I lied back down as I thought that maybe my grandma exaggerated everything and he didn't die, maybe he tried but couldn't do it and was okay right now. I made a stupid attempt to sleep again but I quickly gave up and decided to come downstairs because I started feeling uncomfortable.
I sat at the dining table, watching my grandparents gather their stuff to leave but I wasn't saying anything, I wasn't thinking anything. After they left, I was left alone in the room and I stared into nothingness. It still didn't feel like what it was, I believe I wasn't in my body at that time. My soul and my conscience left when I heard the words, I was merely a ghost. After time of sitting there in silence, not yet assimilating the news, I went back upstairs because I felt tired. I lied back down and suddenly, it hit me.
I started to cry, fighting really hard to not be loud. I covered my mouth as I felt Darcy's arms wrap around me; she heard everything. I just kept crying there for a while until my head couldn't take it anymore, I wiped my tears and I stood up like nothing happened.
"Shit" I joked as I wiped my nose. "Do you want coffee? I'm going to get coffee" I told Darcy. With a worried look on her face, she accepted.
We heard more songs that came out in the morning as we had breakfast, I sent a quick text to my mom telling her what happened then left my phone. My grandma came back and she told me everything that happened as I stared blank-faced.
My mother arrived almost at the same time as Darcy left, and I heard as grandma retold the story one more time.
"He did it in the backyard, they found him at 5 a.m. when his mates went to pick him up for work and he wasn't responding. Lorraine and her husband saw him through a window and put him down but it was too late," I heard everything again.
I was just quiet and still fighting to assimilate everything. It didn't seem real. At some point I needed a moment and I went upstairs, I closed the door, sat on the edge of the bed and began crying again. My mother walked in soon after.
She approached me and held me tight as I cried on her belly, "it's okay, let it all out" she said.
I struggled to breathe as the anxiety creeped on me, but I tried to speak. "I just don't know if I even have the right to mourn him," I said while sobbing, "I haven't talked to him in years, I didn't know anything about him. Maybe if I had texted him at least once..."
