My Story

I have always been a bigger person. I was a healthy weight up until I started 5th grade. Then I started to gain weight. I was so insecure about eating in front of my family that I started to sneak food at night. That decision has ruined my life. I ended up developing an eating disorder and not the one that makes you lose weight. I developed a binge eating disorder. By the age of 11 I weighed between 140-160 lbs. By the time I had started high school I had gained around 100 more lbs. Now at the age of 16 I weigh 270 lbs. I have lost around 13 lbs this year and I'm trying very hard to lose more.

 I have been also been struggling with self harm and suicidal thoughts due to my weight and gender. I started to self harm when I was 9. I didn't realize it was considered self harm until I was older. I would hit myself on the head till I became dizzy or I would scratch my arm till I bleed. When I was 15 I started to do a more harmful type of self harm. I started to cut and burn myself. A month or 2 later my mom found out when we were at a doctor appointment. She was confused and kept on asking if it was because of my step dad. I told her I didn't know. I still to this day have not admitted to her that it was because of him.

 My step dad started to become more mean and have a bad temper when I started high school. He started to shove me if i would walk near him and he would yell at me over the stupidest stuff. He always treated my sister way better than me. a week before my 14th birthday and we had gotten into an argument. My memory is a little foggy but what I do remember is him shoving me into a wall where I hit my head. I started crying because my head hurt so bad. My mom was pissed at me because she said I was provoking him. I reached up to my head to feel if there was a bump and saw that there was blood on my hand from where I had touched the wound. I started to freak out and hyperventilate after I saw the blood. My mom realized I was bleeding and started to yell at my stepdad. He just walked out without saying anything, got in his truck and drove away. My mom decided to stay with him even after he was an abusive dick towards me. Like I said he never really hit me but he would shove me a lot. I had learned later that my stepdad was abused by his dad as a child. I always felt really bad for him. 

When I was 11 I got my period for the first time. I started to hate my body more. I hated how big I was and how wide my hips were and how big my boobs were. I was having really bad dysphoria. I had wished I could dress like a boy and I hated dresses and how they looked on me. At 14 I started to wear multiple sports bras to hide my chest when I was at home. I never wore them outside of my house because I was scared of what my mom and step dad would say. My mom and stepdad were very religious and always talked badly about trans and non-binary people.

 At 16 I had already started cutting at this point, I was having a really bad week. My period had started and i was having really bad dysphoria and was also having suicidal thoughts. I had been cutting to make myself feel better and keep my emotions in check but this time it wasnt working. I had taken a bunch of tylenol and ibuprofen. I started to feel sick and was freaking out. I went and woke up my mom and she had taken me to the hospital. I stayed in the hospital for 4 days. After I had gotten out my stepdad had taken my door off the hinges. My mom would check on me every couple hours. She didn't know but I had started to self harm again only a week after I had gotten out of the hospital. The summer was pretty good. I wasn't self harming as much and was able to keep myself occupied. Then in September of 2022 my stepdad had decided to leave my mom. She was heart broken. I felt really bad and blamed myself. I would tell myself that I was a bad kid and that he hated me so much and wanted to get away from me so bad that he left my mom. I had started self harming more often and had become depressed. At the end of September we had all of our stuff packed. My aunt came and picked me and my mom up and we went and stayed with her while we were trying to find a house. My sister had stayed in the town where we had lived while my mom and I stayed with my aunt. During the time where we were looking for a house I had started to not eat as much. I was still pretty depressed and had no appetite. I had ended up losing 10 lbs by the time we found a house. Since then i have figured out that im non-binary and started using they/them pronouns and the name Elijah. I have only told my little sister that im non-binary (she lives with my dad) she’s suportive. I have not told my little sister my preferred name though. I still haven't worked up the courage. I have still been struggling with self harm and dysphoria and negative thoughts. But my eating has gotten better after being away from my stepdad. I am doing much better and am trying to heal after all the shit he put my family and I through.