January Blues

1: New Years

Triggered warning ⚠️: might include topics that may be triggering to some readers.

New years wasn't really my thing. Since i was younger, i've always hated it. Most especially new years eve. But here i was sitting on a chair in my balcony, sipping some wine (with only 2% alcohol), and watching the fireworks as the clock strikes 12 and January 1st has come. Cheers to the new years, i guess.

People around are in total cheers. My apartment building included. There's a party going on in my neighbor's apartment and the music was very loud i swore i wouldn't be able to sleep properly tonight. There's party lights that can be seen all throughout my neighbor's apartment, i bet it can be seen from miles away. There's even people out in the balcony. Most would come out to make out with someone then went back inside to continue partying. Tonight is gonna be a total mess.

I got up and opened my balcony door. I took my chair and took it inside with me. The fireworks are over and i don't have any reason to be outside anymore. It's freezing cold as well so I'll just go back inside.

The music that was blasting from my neighbor's apartment become muffled and almost gone, except for the shaking. The music was too loud i could feel the building shaking. I put down my glass of wine, as well as the bottle, on the kitchen counter and sat on my couch.

Since new years was pretty boring and i lived alone, I'll just catch some netflix series i haven't seen for a while and just relax in here until i fall asleep and woke up when the sun's up.

I clicked on The BigBang Theory. One of my favorite netflix series aside from Modern Family. I haven't seen this for over a year, i just have to rewatch it now.

Halfway to the episode i was watching, I suddenly felt my heart so heavy. I clutched my chest as i feel like i was about to break down. What the hell is happening?

I looked up at the screen of my television. That's when it hit me. My brain could remember everything that has to do with this show. My family.

A year ago, my family died in a fire. They got burned alive together with our house and it left me broken as hell. It took me moths to move on. I was put in a facility after the fire and was held there until my aunt decided she would take me to her house to be treated there. My aunt was lovely and nice and she did everything she could to help me move on. Then when i finally cam get back to my own two feet, i moved out. At first, my aunt was against it. She thinks i'm not yet fine to go out to the world on my own but i insisted to go and she let me but with her guidance still. She'll call me weekly to check on what i'm doing and if i'm okay. And just a week ago, i spent Christmas with her and my cousins.

I used to not have to go to therapy sessions before the fire happened. I was happy and lively and i couldn't ask for anything. But after the fire, i would go to my therapist two times in a week. That's also one of the reason why my aunt would check up on me, she's afraid and worried that i'm skipping my therapy sessions. I would never. Therapy, though very tiring and draining, it still helps me recover and be a bit happier. It keeps me from relapsing.

But now i am relapsing. I can feel it. The same emotions and feelings I've felt back then. The sadness, the guilt, the regret, and the grief. It's all coming back to me. And i hate it a lot.

Before the fire, my family and i used to watch The BigBang Theory a lot. Weekly, to be specific. We would watch one episode every week so that we'll have this thrill and excitement for the next week. It's our family tradition. We do that with netflix shows a lot.

We would make bowls and bowls of popcorn because after one episode of the show, we would watch movies after. There will be sodas around us and a bunch of pillows and blankets to keep us comfortable especially if it's cold. The lights would be turned off and only the fairy slash christmas lights would be on and the smell of buttered popcorn and vanilla would surrounds us. It was the most beautiful memories I could treasure forever.

Now, I have no one to watch this series with anymore. I wouldn't experience the same happiness I had before. I didn't even get to do all of those with my aunt because she knows I'll just relapse. Why did i even decided to watch this? I shouldn't have.

I stands up and closed the tv. I'm out of breath I can't even walk straight. I felt so dizzy right now i couldn't see properly without everything looking like a blur to me. Fuck, i hate this.

I have to get my phone and call my aunt. She'll be here within minutes of i told her what's happening to me. I just need to get to my phone. Where the fuck is it?

Then, i heard my ringtone. It's in my bedroom and somebody's calling me. Probably my aunt. Perfect timing.

I got to my bedroom while tripping here and there. I don't feel well at all and i want to cry so badly right now but i need to call my aunt first. I dropped to the floor right when i was next to my bed and just tried to grab it even though i have very little energy.

When i finally grabbed it, i saw who was calling. It was my aunt, i was right. I quickly answered it.

["Happy New Year my dear!! How are you doing?"]

I just started sobbing. "I need your help, please.."

["What? What happened? Where are you? I'm coming to you right now, okay? Stay where you are"] her tone was in total panic. She didn't even took a break from talking, she just ask and ask.

"In my apartment, auntie. I need you" my sobs just can't stop.

["Okay okay! I'm coming dear don't worry"]

And the line got cut off. Usually, my aunt wouldn't just hung up like that but i bet because she was panicking so much, she accidentally hung up.

I dropped my phone to the floor and just started crying and crying. I want to scream so bad and i bet no one would hear me due to the loud music banging next door. But i can't, i just can't. My heart felt so heavy.

Within minutes after the call, my aunt arrived. She saw me crying and just immediately embraced me. Though, it was such a simple act, it gave me comfort. I miss being hugged by a mother.

"It's okay, it's okay. I'm here. Just take it all out" she whispers to my ear in a soft comforting voice and my sobs calmed down slowly.

"We love you, Annalize. Please know that" was all i heard before my eyes closed and darkness surrounded me.