Dreaming A Dream | An ONF Fanfiction

Epilogue.

One exact month passed since he died.

I am still unable to believe what happened. I don't think I'll ever be able to fully realize it. Seeing him exhale his last breath as I held him in my arms was something I would have never expected to experience.

I've been barely going out. I don't remember the last time I smiled. The first week after his passing, I barely ate. My friends were worried sick about me, and gave me enough motivation to start eating again. If it wasn't for them I would have probably starved. But they made me realize it is not the end. Most importantly, it wasn't what he would have wanted. He would have wanted me to be happy again. I am trying my best. I can see improvement, but it's going to be a long time until I can feel alive again. A part of me died that day. I will never be able to fully regenerate it, to fill that void. But I'll have to learn to live with it.

I am still unable to move his things out of the way.
His clothes are still in the wardrobe, next to mine. During my worst days, I sometimes wear them. His scent on them might be long gone, but I like to imagine it is still there to bring me comfort and warmth.
His bed is still here. I haven't slept in my own bed since that day. I only sleep in his, remembering the warm cuddles and kisses we used to exchange before going to sleep and early in the morning right after waking up. My hands search for him in the middle of the night sometimes, only for me to wake up and see that the other half of the bed is empty.

Sometimes, I think I hear his voice. I hear him whisper my name. But it'll all my imagination.
At least there is a way I'm able to hear him again: our songs. His voice in our songs is the greatest last gift he could have left me. I love his voice. His elegant voice that clears my head of all worries, even if just temporarily. His warm tone that makes it sound as if he sang every word he pronounced. His beautiful voice that strung the chords of my heart. A voice warmer than his touch.
His voice was the very essence of his being. If I had to choose one single feature of his that described him the best, it would be his voice. The passion he put into his songs. The comfort it brought me when he spoke to me. It was the very expression of his soul.

About a week ago, I finally had the guts to open his laptop. The wallpaper was a photo of us during our first concert. In the files, he kept a copy of every photo of us he had on his phone. His phone was destroyed by the shock that killed him, and there was no way to retrieve the data, but I am so glad he decided to copy everything onto his computer. There were more photos of me than of him. Some of them were completely new to me. Apparently, he used to take photos of me without even me realizing it. Most photos were of us two. Selfies and photos taken by fans and photographers during our concerts. I remember every single one of those photos. I can see the exact moments they were taken at. I would have never forgotten a single second passed in his company.

Apart from photos, he also has a folder with unreleased songs. A few of them were just instrumentals he tried making with a complex music making software. But what I'm interested in are vocal tracks. Dozens of very short recordings of lines or melodies he had in mind. There are even a few full demos. I listen to these every day.
Finally, I saw some text files, full of lyrics. I always loved his writing. I just wish I could hear these words sung by him.

A particular file caught my eye. It was a text file simply titled "For Seungjun" dating back to one month and a few days ago. I still haven't opened it.

It's Sunday, and as I always do on Sundays, I went to visit his grave. It was my fourth visit, as the day he died was a Sunday too. I always bring him flowers or some other little offerings. I spend a lot of time with him, as much as I can. I always tell him how my life and the lives of the rest of the guys are going, how things in the group are developing, how they're changing...
I'm not sure if I believe in the afterlife. And I know he can't hear me. But just the thought of talking to him in some way is enough to bring me some comfort.