I've Been Waiting All Along (Book 2 - Rock Canyon Series)

Chapter 17 - Tyrell (He/Him/His)

Chapter 17 – Tyrell (He/Him/His)

You told me to follow my dreams. USC hasn't been my dream since your brow was furrowed on that football field the first day we hung out. That's when you became the dream. So does that mean I should rip these papers to shreds and drive back to you right now?

"You won't regret this, Tyrell. I can assure you that your heart has always been in the right place. In a couple years, you're going to be the star among stars in LA."

The tanned man that was egging me on to sign my future away smiled, his dark black beard glistening under the dining room track lighting. His eyes were usually shifty, but tonight the greasy little pebbels were glued to me, only flickering occasionally to the dotted line on the paper laying innocently in front of us both.

My mom and Reece were standing on the opposite side of the table, circling and hovering and chattering away about the most trivial aspects of college, as I remembered that this night and tomorrow morning was supposed to be the charmed life–hanging out with Charlie, sleeping at Charlie's house, eating breakfast with Charlie, following them around, doing what they wanted to do, and generally hating whenever it all had to end.

"Before you know it you'll be spending all your free time on the beach. I'm gonna be so jealous!" Reece said.

"Can he get a single dorm room? I know that boy's going to have a hard time sleeping with someone else," mom said, as if Navid was able to answer all concerns.

I remained focused on Charlie, who I knew would have wanted to be here for this moment. I had a hard time seeing them standing in this room. They were too pure for this, too amazing to have to exist in the same world as Navid and his oiliness. They didn't belong here and I was glad they hadn't asked to come. But I focused on them anyway, looking at them in the corner of my mind that wasn't tainted with background noise and pressure.

Charlie, I want you to know that this isn't my dream. I'll sign this because I know we'll never be. I'll sign this because if I can't be with you I'd probably regret not going. But I want you to know, that this isn't my dream. Not anymore. You are. And while you may always remain a hope, a wish, a prayer, a never-to-be-reached Heaven found only in the echoes of a sunny Autumn morning on a worn back trail, you'll also never be mine. I have to accept this. I have to learn to live with it.

But Charlie? When I'm standing on the beach and there are a million beautiful people all around me, I'm only going to be able to think of you. I won't want to pull you there, I'll wish you could pull me back here, back to McDonald's and malls and morning quotes and hand-holding in remote forests. Back home.

"Sign that damn paper and let's celebrate. You've put me through enough, son!"

I'll always reach back for that car ride up to Juan Cristo, when we felt like a couple on a date, and I'll know it's a memory but then you'll turn toward me in my memory and I'll think... what's in those eyes... man, you're so alive...

I'd already made my mind up on the way home to blurry my vision and pretend I couldn't see what I was doing and sign the damn paper. Now that the moment had come, I opened my eyes wider, and let myself watch what was happening.

Charlie was so strong in my mind as I picked up a fountain pen that I saw their face superimposed over the NLI. It was the face I'd seen in the car when they'd told me they were glad we'd become friends.

I started to sign, throwing away that face and those eyes and that heart that's been so confused but never defeated. As each letter filled the line, Charlie receded further and further away with a sad look of finality, as if I'd died and they could only watch with pity. When I could no longer see them, I morbidly imagined a gate slowing clanging shut between us–a barrier as solid and impenetrable as the college and career plans that had been made for me years ago.