I've Been Waiting All Along (Book 2 - Rock Canyon Series)

Chapter 10 - Charlie (They/Them/Theirs)

Chapter 10 – Charlie (They/Them/Theirs)

Day 1277 – Journal

One thousand two hundred and seventy-seven consecutive days of writing in a journal. I remember when I checked the day count at 18 months (548 days) and swore I wouldn't make it another three six-month periods to get to over 1,000 days. And here we are closing in on four years (1,460 days). That seems utterly crazy!

Alright, now that I've got my cataloging out of the way for the week it's time to bitch. And, yeah, I know I've been boring in here lately. Well, relax, dear Journal, because today's entry promises to change the tune. Much to my chagrin, this might actually be entertaining.

Quick recap of where we are in the saga of Charlie. I've just spent almost every waking moment of this weekend with Ty (hence the two-line entry you got last night. Sorry about that). He didn't spend either night but he might as well have. He was here less than thirty minutes before I closed my eyes and woke me up both Saturday and Sunday by knocking on my bedroom door. We were nearly inseparable. And I've never been happier.

Which confuses the shit out of me. I'm completely over Destiny. I thought I'd lose my mind and spiral into oblivion. It's early Monday morning, she torched my heart Friday night... so like what 60 hours or something? And I couldn't care less. It's sorta hard to even remember why I cared.

In fact, I don't really care about anything anymore except spending time with Ty. Do most kids have best friends, close friends? Is that how most people grow up? Because I missed that and with Ty... I don't know it just feels like I'm getting a second chance.

So, where's the drama you ask? Where's the problem? It's the corners of my thoughts and the way I think those thoughts; what the thoughts do to me and make me feel.

Since that's about as clear as my gender, I'll let you in on the details. Remember the other night when Ty asked me about my Dodgers hat and why I always stuck with his? And my immediate answer was that it smelled like him, and that I liked that. But I've been thinking and there is a lot more to it than that. It's that it makes me think of him... which makes me think of me. I feel more and more like we're the same person, like there are two copies of the same character in the same world and they weren't supposed to meet but they did.

And, uhh, yeah–I didn't tell him all this and probably won't, at least not yet. I don't want to weird him out and, besides, I've got bigger fish to fry, larger issues to deal with... such as...

...how extremely possessive I am becoming over him. Fuck that's hard to write. I wish I wasn't like this. I remember when Maddie first made friends with Destiny she hoarded her away. She'd get so pissed when I tried to hang out. Oh my God her face. I could punch her thinking about it.

Yet I've become the same way with Ty. The thought of him interacting with other people or hanging out with other friends makes me want to burn shit right to the ground. The thought of him getting into a relationship and no longer having time for me makes me feel like shaving all my hair, piercing everything that I possibly can, slashing his tires, and generally going batshit insane.

That's not even the worst of it all, though. It's the thought of him leaving next year for college that really makes me die inside. I have to say goodbye to him? I have to go through a year of Maddie and Kellan and no one else? How can I do that? 

I can't. I won't. I refuse.

So this is my mind. If you made a save state of me right now the top psychologists in the world would try to outbid each other to get a hold of it. Why? Because I'm a textbook possessive, crazy lunatic. Toxic as fuck. Gets one friend and wants to control the shit out of them. Stage-5 clinger, yo.