From Wiltshire, With Love

Chapter 78

Hermione accompanied Draco towards the border of the wards of the campsite. It was the last meeting between him and Order leadership before the prisoner exchange. Draco removed his Disillusionment charm and they walked hand in hand through the autumn leaves. Hermione turned to face him. He had changed since he had laid himself bare for the Order. Still motivated, snarky and passionate, but something else.

She eyed him. He seemed resigned, and yet hopeful. She felt nervous and giddy, not quite able to internalize the impact of the following day's events. "So I'll see you at Hogwarts tomorrow morning?"

"In the Astronomy Tower. No one will go there." She stood on her tiptoes for a kiss and he spoke against her lips. "Have fun storming the castle."

Hermione wanted to re-introduce Draco to everyone, but he insisted on remaining Disillusioned to avoid any interactions.

"Thanks for understanding," he said, rubbing her arms. She wasn't sure she did. Knowing how much he was suffering, she was simply accommodating his wishes, unwilling to fight with him. "It's hard to look anyone directly in the eye," he explained, "Knowing what I've done to your friends."

"But it's because of you we're all still alive," she insisted fervently. "It's because of you we still have a chance of winning – and a good one!"

He huffed a mirthless laugh and glanced to the side. "Honestly, I don't know what would be worse. Facing their gratitude, or their anger. I don't deserve their gratitude–"

"Yes you d–"

Draco sighed loudly at her protest and she closed her mouth, muttering sorry for interrupting him. His lips quirked and he gently tucked a curl behind her ear. His self-flagellating unnerved her. Prior to that first meeting with the Order he would have advocated for himself, knowing exactly how valuable his contributions had been.

Fucking Kingsley.

"I don't deserve their gratitude," he repeated in earnest, "and I'm afraid of their anger. I may have joked around with the Weaselette, but..." he paused, perhaps to underscore the importance of what he was saying, "But I stood by while her brothers were murdered." Hermione flinched, not wanting to hear his role put so bluntly, but he continued. "She-Weasel wouldn't be so forgiving if she knew. I can't look her in the eye without seeing her brothers on their knees in front of me. Don't you see, Hermione? This trial means everything. It would give me closure, it would give others closure, and it would help build a future everyone can believe in. I can't live with myself otherwise."

Hermione blinked up at him. She couldn't go a day without hearing Eloise's screams, or seeing Dedalus' smile. And now she was responsible for the indiscriminate killing of recruits – forced into battle – by suggesting the Order bomb their own safe houses. She knew exactly what it was to live with terrible deeds. But there was no way in hell a bunch of cowards who watched Muggles get hunted down and sat by while the Ministry was overthrown were going to judge her actions.

"No! I do understand! I do! But..." her lip trembled. "But I want to be with you when this ends! What if you go to Azkaban?"

"Kingsley said I wouldn't." She couldn't tell if Draco believed that. Hermione didn't. She didn't believe a sodding thing that came out of that snake's mouth. Staring down at her in thought, he ran a hand through his hair. "It's eating away at me and I can't take it. It has to stop."

Tears pricked her eyes. "But you've redeemed yourself already!"

His cheeks flushed at her fervor. "It means a lot to me that you think so."

"And that's not enough?" She didn't care how desperate she sounded. She wanted him to tell her that he didn't give a fuck what she did to Kingsley or how he got the pardon, just so long as it was in his hand.