This Is My Story

Thorpe park

Soon I thought it was normal for boys to snog and only wanted my body, not my personality, and I was okay with that, but it mentally affected me, with growing up with hiding my face when movie characters kissed or whatever, I som felt that affected me, it molded my opinion on boys like a undecided person, weighing the positives and negatives so much that my opinion was altered and changed, like a person pulling out my heart and giving me a pigs heart as a replacement,yes it still works but it works differently than too others.

I started getting close to this one boy in my class as i  wanted to keep it that way as friends but wanted to hug and kiss him as friends, platonically which he did not understand. So when his best friend said he liked me I decided to do it because I diddnt know what to do. And he said yes!

Soon he began hugging and kissing me which I was uncomfortable at because I somehow diddnt like receiving touch from him but only giving, I diddnt know why but he was always jealous when I hanged out with girls as I alyways gave them physical touch, because I felt safe.

But of course he was jealous

He soon git angrier at me that I did it ad I tried to create excuses, as I soon realised my past kisses and things happend to me was not actual love, it was more giving what they wanted and just leaving me after. And soon I decided to tell that too my friend

Amelie.

Even though me and amelie had rough patches I always felt comfortable around her, I couod tell it was different to her as she felt more distant, I didn't mind but I was confused, I was touch starved, and that was the problem. Did she not love me?

I soon had constant arguments with emilio, as he always argued and said he was going to kill himself after the arguments as I diddnt know what to say, I diddnt know how to respond so I accepted his choice but I felt when I comforted him nothing would go wrong, until Thorpe park

Jess.

I met jess amd  I was excited to meet her as I soon realised amelie felt comfortable with her as she hugged her snd stuff, I thought I was just being like Amelie did, trying to get close to her, masking and copying peopled actions and ways to try and fit in. I diddnt mean to make jess uncomfortable I just felt comfortable around her, even though I had met her once, my conscience was screaming that she was bad news, but I ignored it as I wanted to be friends with her,  I was desperate.

But masking is terrible.

I diddnt know I was making her uncomfortable and my boyfriend jealous as he soon felt I was more comfortable around her than Me as he soon felt angry. Well done Ellis.

You screwed something up again.

I never realise that I make people uncomfortable or go into there personal space, I just feel happy and make Me want to love them platonicaly, while masking how I actually felt, as I soon tried to not remember the incident with my cousin,  as its thought pushed down to the deep conscious,

But every time I was around Emilio those memories opened back up, like an opened stich that shouldn't have been opened.

I felt broken and shattered as I soon realised that I could never find actual love with boys, without thinking they just want me for sex, or just to use me in any way and discard me like a piece of trash they just threw it the bin.

I'm sorry Emilio for being this way and how I made excuses when I couldn't handle touch or leaving on you for delivered on hours on end, or abruptly getting angry at you, I diddnt mean too but when I have thise flashbacks it's like someone lighting you on fire all over again, you feel completely hopeless of any live that can manage, and soon whole becomes deeper, to the point where you cannot take it anymore

And my actions was reflected on you.