Gordon Ramsay teaching Hogwarts Students

1 (Harry POV)

I'm Auth Orsnote, and I tell you what the author wants to say to you. Xer words will be in quotations during the story chapters, but not before or after. My opinion will not, and neither will xers before or after the chapters.

Just Gordon Ramsay teaching Hogwarts students. Italics encased in asterisks are Parseltongue. I own only my OCs and the plot. Swearing.

I woke up to Aunt Petunia rapping at the cupboard door.

"Wake up, boy, and make breakfast! Make sure you don't burn it. I want everything perfect on Dudley's special day!"

I inwardly sighed. "I'm up, I'm up."

I put some clothes on and went into the kitchen, making eggs, bacon, and toast.

"Thirty-six? But last year I got thirty-seven!" my cousin complained.

"Dudders, you didn't count this one from Aunt Marge, see?"

"All right, then, thirty-seven."

"Tell you what, mummy and daddy will buy you two more presents while we're out today, then!"

"Then I'll have thirty – thirty –"

"Thirty-nine, sweetums."

I put everyone's food on their plates, intentionally giving myself less and Dudley more, because I knew there would be punishment otherwise.

"Bad news, Petunia," my uncle Vernon informed her, "Old Figgy's broken her leg, and Yvonne's in Majorca. We'll have to take the boy with us to the zoo."

Dudley was not happy about this. "B-but I don't want him t-to come! He always sp-spoils everything!"

We got in the car after we ate to get Dudley's friend, Piers Polkiss.

"I'm warning you now, boy, any funny business – anything at all – and you'll go to your cupboard for a week."

"I got it."

We got Piers and drove to the zoo, with Uncle Vernon complaining about anything and everything. Right then, it was motorcycles.

"Roaring along the highway like hoodlums. Why, if I had my way, they'd all be in prison."

I stayed silent. At the zoo, Dudley and Piers got ice creams. When the lady asked what I wanted, Vernon got me a cheap lemon ice pop. It wasn't half bad. When we had lunch, I got to finish Dudley's knickerbocker glory because there wasn't enough ice cream. In retrospect, I should've known it was too good to last.

In the reptile area, Dudley and Piers looked at only the dangerous snakes. "Make it move," Dudley demanded to his father. He was referring to a boa constrictor. Vernon tapped the glass but the snake didn't stir.

I just stood by it, and when the Dursleys went to check out something else, the snake woke up, and winked! I was aghast. The boa constrictor gave me a look that said quite plainly that he got it all the time. I asked where he was from and he pointed to a sign on the wall.

Boa Constrictor, Brazil

*What's it like there?* I asked.

He jabbed at the sign again.

Raised in captivity.

*It can't be fun in there.*

"Mr. Dursley, look, the snake's doing something!"

"Out of the way!" Dudley ordered, knocking me to the ground.

If you can believe it, the glass disappeared! The boa constrictor slithered out, and as it did, I could've sworn I heard a low, hissing voice.

*Brazil, here I come! Thanksss, amigo.*

When we got home, I swore up and down I didn't do it, but by the time I was let out of my cupboard for anything besides school, food, chores, or bathroom breaks, it had been three weeks and the summer holidays had started.

"Boy, go get the mail!"

I ran to the door and grabbed the mail. I looked through it. One caught my eye. It had written in swirly green writing,

Mr. H. Potter
Cupboard Under the Stairs
4 Privet Drive
Little Whinging, Surrey

This was new. I never got mail.

"Bring the mail in, boy!"

I brought it into the kitchen and opened my letter.

"Harry's got something!" Dudley shouted.

"Yeah, addressed to me!"

"Give it here!"

Vernon took one look at the seal and turned white.

"We're getting out of here. Both of you, pack your shit!"

We both obeyed and got in the car.

After a few days of trying to find a "good" place, we found a hut on a rock and Vernon got us there in a small wooden boat.

"Dudley gets the couch, Petunia and I get the bed, and Harry gets the floor," Vernon instructed.

Once Petunia and Vernon were in bed, I realized that it would be my birthday in five minutes.

Two minutes.

One minute.

5.

4.

3.

2.

1.

Boom.

"Where's the cannon?" Dudley shouted, stupidly.

At a third boom, someone broke down the door, came in, and put the door back up. Vernon had a gun on him.

"Couldn't make us a cuppa tea, could yeh? It's not been an easy journey." This gruff voice came from a giant of a man with a scraggly black beard that made it impossible to see anything but his dark eyes.

"Who the fuck are you to come busting in here?!" Vernon shouted.

"Guess I should introduce meself. I'm Hagrid. Rubeus Hagrid. An' there's Harry!" Hagrid turned to me. "You look like yer dad. But yeh've got yer mum's eyes."

"You knew my parents?"

"Yes, and nicer people yeh couldn' find."

"Get out of here!" Petunia cried.

"Ah, shut up, Dursley, yeh great whore."

"I'm sorry, but I still don't know who you are."

"I'm the Keeper of the Keys and Grounds at Hogwarts. Yeh'll know all about Hogwarts, of course."

"Er, no, sorry."

"Sorry? It's them who should be sorry! I knew yeh weren't gettin' yer letters, but that yeh don' know about Hogwarts?"

"Stop! I forbid you to tell the boy anything more!"

"Shut up, Dursley."

The night ended with Dudley having a pig's tail and me knowing that it was the happiest birthday I'd ever had.

Very short. The next chapters will be longer. My OC will be introduced next chapter. Thank you for reading.

Finne