Vows of Misfortune

5.

"Mum, I've changed my mind. I want to come with you guys to India."

The phone went silent before muffled voices floated through. I fumbled with the square piece of cardboard - one of the many boxes that I'd ripped to shreds - and waited with bated breath.

I needed to go ahead and do this before my confidence and common sense settled in. I would do anything to stop feeling like this and if this was the way to go, this was the way to go even if it meant ruining my life. If Anjali could play around with someone's feelings and the concept of marriage, hell, I could do that too.

"You're welcome to come!" My mum suddenly exclaimed in my ear. "Sorry, I was telling your dad what you said and we're—we're both so shocked. I mean, wh-what's the reason?"

"Like dad said, I think a change of scenery would be good for me." I paused, licking my dry lips. "Besides, I think it's time for me to move on, like you said."

"I think that, too. I'm so glad to hear this Arshia, you have no idea how happy this makes me. We just want you to be happy."

"I know. And...I've been thinking. What do you think about me getting an arranged marriage while we're there? I promised you and I know how much you've been wanting to ask me about potential future matches, anyway."

There was utter silence. Of horror, of joy? I didn't know. In these circumstances I really didn't know what my mum's answer would be.

"You don't mind?" she repeated, completely flabbergasted. "Wha—where is this coming from?"

"I mean I did promise you."

"But you were so against it the last time I brought it up."

"I realised you were right. Maybe this can help me. It's essentially a contract, right?"

"Well—"

"I got an invite from Varun, you know. A wedding invitation. Him and Claudia are getting married and I realised I want to move on, too. I want to be happy with someone. I'm sick of being upset over him. I know I don't need a man to be happy but I just want to forget about him. The only way I can think of doing that is by finding someone else."

"Marriage isn't a game, honey. This is serious. What you're asking for is commitment forever. If you just want a rebound, do you think marriage is the way to go?"

"I don't want a rebound," I said. "I want someone to focus my full attention on. You and dad had an arranged marriage, right? You fell in love with time. In time, I can fall in love with this man, too." Not exactly. I'll probably tolerate him, at best. "I've heard you and dad talk about how if I don't get married by thirty, you're going to find a man for me." She didn't say anything. My life was as good as over so honestly, I didn't care. "So why not now? Mum, I really think this will be good for me."

I found myself resonating with each word that fell out of my mouth like smooth caramel. It wasn't a complete lie. Even if the way I was going about it was dumb, it was true. Like I said, it was only a matter of time before my mum started to nag me.

The more I thought about it, the more it was making sense. So what if I was throwing my life away? It was already ruined. I'd already wasted nine years of my life and I was practically close to being an alcoholic at the rate I was doing. What could be worse?

Soon enough, I'd be someone's wife whether I liked it or not. If my soul hadn't been crushed by what Varun did to me I'd probably combat every single match mum came forward with, but I didn't care.

I was going to get married and no one was going to stop me.

"Are you sure?" my mum asked for the thousandth time later that night.