I'm Not Sorry (A Carter Reynolds Fanfiction)

Chapter 2

Even though Cam's older than Nash and me, we will probably always be best friends.

I stalk over to my car and throw my backpack into the backseat, frustrated with myself. I was so close to letting my facade crumble today. I plug my iPhone into my car and blast Eminem. 'Til I Collapse fills the car, and I remind myself that I can't slip up. Not even Cam and Nash know about my issues, at least not yet, so I'd rather not have several million people know.

When I pull up to my house, I notice that the house that was for sale next to mine has been sold. I wonder who bought it? What if it's someone really famous? That would be pretty cool. I storm in and collapse on the couch. I feel a faint buzz in my pocket and pull out my phone.

MashNash(Nash): Heyy
Me: Hey NashNash
DallasTexas(Cam): Hey Rey
MashNash: You don't even say hi to me?
DallasTexas: Oh. Hi NashNash
MashNash: Hey only ReyRey gets to call me that
Me: Don't call me ReyRey you ass
MashNash: ReyRey ReyRey ReyRey
Me: Fuck you Nash
MashNash: You can fuck me anytime
Me: You nasty
DallasTexas: a You can fuck me too
MashNash: I believe you mean "Nashty"
Me: Bruh
Me: Seriously guys
DallasTexas: You got that right Rey
Me: Stop fucking with me you guys
MashNash: Do you know how incredibly attractive you are Reyna?
DallasTexas: Do you actually know?
Oh shit. They never call me Reyna.
Me: You guys stop fucking with me. I'm just me.
MashNash: How often do you look in the mirror, Rey?
Me: Every morning. Why?
DallasTexas: What do you see?
Me: Just a plain girl who doesn't deserve shit
MashNash: Reyna, you are absolutely deserving of everything you have. You have worked so hard to obtain everything that you have. You can see how much you care about having good videos and vines when you watch them. There's so much work that you put into them. Also, you are far from plain. You are beautiful, inside and out.
Me: ......
DallasTexas: Believe it babe
Me: Guys Skype now
DallasTexas: K
MashNash: Mmkay

I put my head in my hands and sobbed. Nash and Cam were such happy, awesome people. Why were they friends with a fucker like me? And what Nash said stung. I was none of those things he was making me out to be, and he just made me feel worse about even though I knew he was just trying to help.
My phone buzzed, and I saw Nash had called me. With a final sigh, I picked up my phone and answered it. His worried face appeared on screen.
"Hang on I'm gonna add Cam."
I prepared myself for what was about to come. Honestly, I had no idea what Cam and Nash's reactions would be but I couldn't put off telling my best friends any longer.

"Hey Rey what's up?"
I didn't reply to Cam's friendly greeting, just slowly began to unbutton my shorts. If this was a normal situation, I'm sure they would asked me if I was giving them a strip tease, but my expression silenced them. I pushed the edge of my tribal print thong down, fully exposing my battered hip.

I ran my fingers gently over the raised lines, squeezing one of them a little to produce blood. The lines formed an arrow pointing upwards toward my heart, one of the many designs I had carved into my skin. Underneath the freshest cuts, there was a patchwork of scars and healing cuts. Vines, flowers, knives, animals, all sorts of shapes covered my hip. It had a strange beauty to it. I took my phone from where it had been propped against a book and zoomed in on my hip, giving the guys a full view of my self-destruction. After leaving it there for a while, I set my phone down and buttoned my shorts. Nash and Cam's shocked faces stared back at me, a mix of sadness and confusion contorting their features.
"When?" Cam croaked. He looked like he was about to cry, I could see the tears welling in his eyes.
"Since freshman year." My reply was emotionless. I wasn't ashamed of what I had done.
"Rey.. Why didn't you tell us?" Nash's ice blue eyes stared back at me, and I felt like he was trying to stare into my twisted mind and obtain answers.
"It's not something I usually tell people right away." My heart was frozen. I had nothing to say to them. I wasn't sorry. I wasn't going to make up some story about why I did it and say that I'm trying to get better because that would be bullshit. I knew I hadn't done anything to try and stop myself.
"Why?" Cam's voice breaks and I look up to see tears running down his face.

I take a deep breath, and dive headfirst into my past.

"When I was a little girl, I believed that I would grow up to have a great life. I though I would be happy. I thought the world was a good place. As far as I was concerned, everything in the world could be fixed with a little love.

Then, at the age of 9, my father committed suicide. He hadn't been his usual self lately, but my siblings and I didn't realize how bad his depression was. I walked in on him, swinging from the ceiling, just minutes after he had died. I screamed and fell onto the floor crying, yelling for my mom. She ran in, wondering what was wrong, but when she saw my dad, she collapsed. I tried to get her to talk to me, but she just lay there in the floor. I ran around the house, looking for my siblings, but they were nowhere tone found. I ran to the neighbor's house and told them what happened and after that I don't remember what happened, other than my mom killed herself the next day.

My brother and I then moved in with my sister, who is 14 years older than I am. She got a job and provided for us. When Damon, my brother, graduated high school, he got s job because he wanted to help support us. He takes online college courses now, as well as inventing, all while he works as a lifeguard supervisor.

Freshman year. The worst time of my life. I moved, from Minneapolis to Saint Paul, and I was just ignored for the first couple of months, but that changed when a guy grabbed my ass during Pre-Calc. From that point on, guys seemed to assume that I was an easy target. I was groped daily, but I told no one because they threatened to break my arm if I did. I began to cut, first just lines, but then they evolved into pictures, like they are now.

After three months of constant sexual harassment at school, I was pulled into a closet after school. I shrieked, but a guy covered my mouth and another blindfolded me. I was gagged as well. Then, my clothes pants were unbuttoned and pushed down as the sound of belts hitting the ground reached my ears. Seconds after, my legs were forced apart, and a guy thrust into me. I finally realized what was happening, but I had been restrained and I couldn't do anything to prevent being raped.

One by one, guys took their turns. I lost count of how many, but they used me again and again until I was bleeding. I slumped on the floor after they left, too weak to stand up, and I lay on the ground crying. Finally, I pulled my pants up and ran home.

That night, I made my first deep cuts. I remember reading that drawing, the feeling of the knife in my hand. There was a vine that I drew, curling down my hip, spilling red everywhere. You can still see the scar today."

I finally pick up my head and I see tears streaming down the faces of both Cam and Nash.

"Oh my god Reyna..."
"I'm not sorry for what I do to myself. I'm not ashamed. It's my conscious decision and it's not like I've tried to stop, so I'm not going to try and tell you guys that I'm getting better, because I'm not."

Well.
Yay.
I rewrote that chapter after Wattpad deleted my original draft.