I'm Not Sorry (A Carter Reynolds Fanfiction)

Chapter 3

Reyna

I can't believe I just dumped all that shit out on Nash and Cam. I've never told anyone that I was raped, and the one person who knows that I cut myself is my brother, who thinks that it was just a past thing. He doesn't know that I do it so often.

"Reyna Thorn... I'm amazed that you have hid this for so long without telling anybody. How many people know?" Cam's scratchy voice interrupts my train of thought.
"You guys are the first to know." My reply is short, my voice bitter. The memory still stings, and I have nightmares about it even though it was three years ago.
"Reyna how did you hold it in? Not even your siblings know?" Nash. I'm sorry Nash, I knew this would upset you but I had to let it out.
"No, not even my siblings know." And they never will. I'm not about to go to therapy, if I can help it at least.
"Guys, I know it's pretty fucked up, but I've moved on." Lie. "I'll be okay." Lie.
"No, Reyna it's not okay and it never will be! I can't believe you've never told anyone! How do you go through life knowing that one of your most prized possessions has been stolen from you and you can never get it back? Cam is yelling now. I can see hurt, frustration and anger on his face.
"I go through life because I have no fucking choice! It wasn't my choice to get raped! And I've almost ended my life before! Do you know how many times I've tried to kill myself? Seventeen! One-Seven!" I yell back. Oops. Didn't mean to tell them about my suicide attempts.
"Seventeen. Seventeen times but you've never received help of any kind and you've never told anyone. Seventeen times you were ready to die, ready to move on. Seventeen times you just couldn't handle life anymore?" Nash is scary quiet. His voice is soft and low, cutting through my defenses like butter.
"11 times with pills." I start. I didn't take enough, or I ended up throwing up.
"4 times with a noose." I cut myself down.
"Once jumping off a roof." I didn't even break a bone.
"Once by putting a gun to my head and pulling the trigger to discover it was empty." I thought it might have had bullets. When it didn't, I was sad yet relieved.
Despite my depression and cutting, I have never become anorexia, bulimic, orthorexic, or had any other eating disorder, luckily. Body image has never been a problem. I actually tend to eat more when I'm depressed, but then I over exercise. I actually passed out once because I ran too long.
"I don't know what to say. Sorry if I seem rude, but this is a lot to take in." Cameron sounds regretful.
"It's okay. I completely understand. I don't believe it myself, some days."
I glance at the clock across the room. I see that it says 3:15 and I jump up.
"Oh shit. I have to go, I have swim practice. I'll talk to you later. Love you bye!" I end the call and run upstairs, grabbing my suit and pulling it on as quickly as I can. I run to my car, slide in and drive away from my house to swimming.

Nash

Reyna's confession hurt. I've known her for three years, but she never told me anything, never told Cam anything. She's so strong inside, never quite quitting or giving up even though she's struggling. I only wish that there was something I could do to help. When she talked about it, she seemed distant, disconnected from her emotions. It was almost like she was talking about another person.
God, that girl has no idea how much both Cameron and I love her. Not just as friends. She's sexy, smart, cunning, funny and strong. I love the way she never wears makeup, and isn't constantly stressing over her appearance. I love how dedicates she is when it comes to swimming, I love how much work and effort she puts into her videos.
My phone rings. It's Carter. I sigh, and pick it up.
"What do you want Carter?"
"Hey calm your tits Nash. What's gotten into you?"
"Stressful day. Lots of info revealed."
"Who? What?"
"A friend of mine. Can't share with you, it's really personal."
"Pweety pwease?"
"No."
"Fine. Whatever. Anyway, I'm moving to Minnesota."
"WHAT?
"I'm moving to Minnesota. MN."
"Wait why?"
"Good question. We just are, I'm not quite sure why."
"When?"
"Umm.. Movers come tomorrow and we begin our northward journey."
"Carter why didn't you tell me sooner!?"
"Well I just learned yesterday..."
"Oh. Okay."
"I have to go. More packing. Bye."
"Good luck."
"Thanks."
I press hit end call and throw my phone onto my bed. Fuck my life. I've got a suicidal friend, another friend who's moving and too many feelings to handle. I'm like a broken computer, trying to work and get to the website but I just can't quite connect. But I can't bring myself to be sorry for my situation. I'm the one complaining when Reyna's the one who's tried to commit suicide and cuts her own skin on a daily basis? I can do that when I can count all my problems on one hand. I can also count my suicide attempts on one hand. They total zero.

Cameron
I lie on my bed, bury my face into my pillow and sob. One of my best friends just told me that they've tried to commit suicide 17 times, but she's going to swimming like its no big deal, and now I'm here, bawling my eyes out like a two year old. My phone rings, and the loud noise pulls me out of my cocoon. I answer without looking at the caller, not really caring about who it is.
"Cameron."
"Hi Cameron."
"Who are you?"
"Carter. I should have known you wouldn't look to see who was calling you."
"How are you?"
"Well, a little busy. I'm moving to Minnesota tomorrow."
"What?"
"I'm not quite sure why, but I'm packing right now. Movers show up at 7:00 a.m. tomorrow."
"Oh."
"What's up with you? You sound like you've been crying a lot."
"That's because I have been."
"Why? Nash sounded upset too."
"Well one of my friends just told me she's struggling with some mental issues and I'm not really okay right now."
"Understandably. I'm sorry to hear that, however."
"I'm going to go cry and eat ice cream. Excuse me."
"Bye Cameron."

Reyna
I swear the intent of my coach is to kill me. He made us do:
8 x 25
4 x 50 drill
4 x 50
2 x 100 kick
2 x 100
4 x 50 drill
1 x 200
All fly. Three times. He intends to kill us flyers, apparently. That wouldn't have been as hard if you were doing back or breast but it was fly so it just sucked ass.
Swimming is my outlet when I'm upset, though. I pour all my frustrations and emotions into it then I always feel a hell of a lot better afterwards.
Even though I'm still kind of upset about telling Cam and Nash, I fell a lot better now. I collapse on my couch and pull out my math. I have some fucking homework to do, but I wanted to do my video tonight. Well fuck this, I'll probably up until 3:30. Again.
MashNash: Carter is moving 2 MN
Me: Hell no way
Oh fuck my life. Carter Reynolds, Vine star, is moving to Minnesota and with just my luck he'll end up living right next to me in the goddamn house that just got sold.

I run upstairs, finally done with homework. Time for a q & a video, I've been getting a lot of requests lately and I haven't done one in several months. I set up my camera tripod, and start filming.

"Sup bitches, it's Reyna." I start with my customary intro, introducing myself and greeting everyone. My videos aren't really child friendly, but whatever. I do what I want.
"I'm back today with a q & a, since I've been getting a lot of requests from you lovely people lately, so here we go!" I swoop my hand on into the camera, how I start the main portion of every video.

So, I asked you guys to ask me questions via Twitter using the hashtag questionreyna, and it trended worldwide, so thank you!
I read the first question.
"What is your favorite month?"
"Well that's a random ass question, but my favorite month is probably June. Or March."

"Are you horny right now?"
I make a weird face at the camera.
"How did you know?" I ask, waggling my eyebrows.

"Can you do the splits?"
"Let's try and see what happens." I adjust my camera, then slide into a beautiful split. "Yes. Yes I can."
I proceed with the rest of my video, it's a typical q & a, until I see one question. I choose to answer it because I want to help if I can.

"I've been feeling very depressed lately, and I have started to self-harm. What can I do?"
"Find an outlet for your feelings. Sports, art, music, anything, and out all your focus into that instead."

"Well, that's going to wrap up our video today. I'll see all of you next week!"
I do my outro, and my typical finish by covering up the camera lens with a piece of paper. Today it says "hidden life", and it says something different everyday. It's my follower's job to figure out what it means and what it represents.