Ghost X Soap Oneshots (CoD)

And I Love You

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Angst 1500 words
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Trigger/Content Warning: Suicide
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I know. I have always known. Deep down. No matter how much I tried to deny it. No matter how hard I tried to bury the truth. But I know.

I can feel it in your touch. In your kisses. In the way you speak to me. In the way you cry out in your sleep when you're tortured by your own mind, calling out his name and not mine. In your eyes I can see it, as clear as the day is bright. I hear it in your voice. See it in your actions, in your every move. I can see the way it holds onto you, never relenting, never letting go of your heart.

I didn't realize it at first, but over time it's become more and more apparent. It found its way into my thoughts. It traveled to my heart, slowly but surely. It strangles me from the inside out. It's become all I can see when I look at you.

I know you're trying your very best. And while I hate to say it, even your best attempts have been in vain. There's nothing you can do to hide it. It's always there. It always has been. You deny it yourself. You try to push it down. You've built many walls to lock it away and keep it from view. But I can see past them. Even the greatest of walls built by the most skilled architects and contractors decay and crumble over time.

I want nothing more than to go back to a simpler time. An easier time. When I went on in blissful unawareness, not knowing what I know now. But I can't. No matter how much I yearn to go back, I can't. I see you differently now. I can't see you the same way I had before. That time was over. There's nothing either of us can do to fix it.

Knowledge truly is the killer of hope. For with knowledge comes endless pain.

It's killing me. Slowly but surely. Killing my love. Killing my hope. Killing all of the wonderful emotions and feelings you used to bring me. Feelings of love. Of joy. Of hope. Of awe. Of serenity. It killed my trust. It killed my mind. It killed my body. It was all fading away. Reduced to nothing more than dying embers as the world around me grows dim and dreary. There was no oxygen. No warmth. What had once been here was gone. It never really had been there. We had made an attempt to fuel the flames of love and let them grow into a glorious blaze. But now its life source is depleting, with nothing left to replenish it.

At first it shocked me. I was surprised that I would ever think such things, especially about you. I didn't think it was possible for me to doubt you in the way I had. I was surprised that you could hurt me like this. I know you didn't mean to, but I couldn't believe it. I was surprised that I hadn't noticed it sooner. Surprised that it was happening to me. To us.

Then I denied it. Over and over. I tried my best to push it down, to ignore it, to make it not true. Denial is a silent killer. The more I denied it, the worse it all became. I hid from it. I soon learned you can't hide from things like that. It always catches up with you.

After that came anger. I was mad. I was angry with you. I was mad at myself. It hurt. Thinking about it only hurt worse, and with the pain was anger. It infected my heart. It turned me into a hateful, spiteful being. I didn't want to be mad at you. But I couldn't stop it. I was hurt in ways I can't describe. In ways I wouldn't wish upon anyone. And it was your fault. Or so I told myself.

Bargaining was next. I begged and pleaded with a god I don't believe in for it to not be true. I pleaded with myself. I'd have been willing to give anything for it to just be me imagining things. To be overthinking small things that weren't even there. But I wasn't. I wasn't imagining things.

Soon after the realization I fell into a depression. I closed myself off from the rest of the task force. I almost never ate, barely drank. I didn't notice at first, but I had become reckless on the field, putting my life in danger. I often found myself lashing out. Other times I'd resort to searching for any attention I could get. Positive or negative. I hardly knew what to do with myself anymore. It felt as if I were empty. As if a piece of me was missing.

Every feeling eventually brought me to where he was now. Acceptance. I know I can't change things. I know I can't change how you feel. It was what it was. There was no way to avoid it. No way to save things. I have accepted that. It killed me inside, but I've accepted it.

I've gone through a lot of emotions in the short amount of time between now and when I had first realized it. I had gone through the shock of it all. The anger that manifested with the pain. The denial. The despair it all caused me, making me feel hopeless and alone. Part of me feels guilty. I feel selfish for all of this, when I know that you're suffering too. And more than anything, I was heartbroken. My heart shattered like a finely polished mirror. The shards stabbed into my skin. I bled out from the inside. Everything was replaced with heartbreak.

I had gone to Price before anyone else. Actually Price had reached out to me. But I was willing to meet him halfway. To talk. And we talked. A lot. Price took me out of any future missions until I was in a better place. Captain did his best to help me through it all. While it did help me at the time, it couldn't help the inevitable. It couldn't help us.

Ghost, you're not in love with me. You never have been. Your heart died long ago on the field with Roach. You are still in love with what is dead and gone. But you tried. How I know you tried. You've done your best to love me. To be the person you thought I deserved. But I'm not Roach. I'm not the one you visit in your dreams. I'm not your true right hand man. I'm not truly yours. I'm simply replacing what is gone.

And I know that. I know I'll never be able to replace Roach. I know you'll never love me like you did Roach. I'm here just to fill the void in your heart. But I can't. I'm not Roach. No matter how bad you want me to be. I'm not.

It was a hard pill to swallow. It was that much harder to accept and live with.

If you're reading this, that means I'm dead. I couldn't stop myself. I couldn't save myself. Even with the help of all of those closest to me, I couldn't help myself. I'm sorry. I'm sorry to all of those who believed in me. Who did everything in their power to get me where I am today. I know you all sacrificed so much for me. I know you would all lay down your lives for me. But I can't go on anymore. Not like this. And it's for that reason why I am writing you this letter, Ghost.

I love you. I love you more than I have ever loved anything before. You are my sunrise, my sunset, my world. I can't hate you for still loving Roach. Even if I wanted to, it isn't fair to you. You've tried your best, and I've tried my best. But things aren't always meant to be. Oh, how you tried. And I love you.

Forevermore,

Soap MacTavish

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That was the last letter written by Soap MacTavish, folded neatly into an envelope, addressed to Ghost. His last words to his love.

Ghost had found him on the floor of his room. An orange bottle, half empty, was laying close by. Several of the pills littered the floor.

Nearly an entire year had gone by before Ghost had the strength to read the letter. And now, as he broke down in Price's office, he blamed himself and only himself. It was all his fault. Every bit of it. Soap had killed himself. Because of him. Ghost hated himself. Never ending hate.

'And I love you.'

That one line broke him. Tore him apart. Piece by piece. Despite it all. Despite every bit of his mistakes. Despite all of the shit he put him through. Soap loved him till the end.

God how it broke him.