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[2025]
the moment the elevator reach the ground, hana rushed towards the temporary changing room where her stylists are waiting for her to change into another outfit.
"how are you feeling?" manager kim asks.
"dizzy. not good," hana replied with her eyes shut.
"we shouldn't have continued with the concert tonight," manager kim sighed.
hana did not reply. she was too lazy and exhausted to reply to her manager. her stylists helped her with changing her clothes and also making her hair into a new hairstyle.
hana tried her best to quickly calm down and let her body cool down. at least halfway cool down. if not, she might pass out anytime onstage. hana's medical team also rushed to the changing room to check on hana's well-being.
they gave her an instant energy booster so that at least, hana can finish the rest of the concert feeling less sick. it does. the pill they gave her was definitely an energy booster.
after the whole changing clothes and a short break, hana was back onstage.
🤎🤎🤎
"good night, everyone!"
hana stood on the elevator before it slowly moves down.
hana who felt really tired, sat on the floor, folding her legs to her chest. she felt so exhausted and sick. her manager who saw her crouching on the floor told the other staff to give her a second.
"nevermind her. give her a sec," said manager kim.
the medical team arrived near hana to check on her once more but manager kim said that she'll be alright. he'll accompany her back to her green room.
hana got up from the floor a few seconds later. her face was all red from crying.
while sitting on the floor, she was crying. she felt so bad for her fans. hana who was wearing a hoodie just covered her whole self from other people.
manager kim made sure that hana was walking towards the right direction because he knows hana was still crying. she was wiping her face every few seconds. her stylists whom she's close with were comforting her as they walked back to the green room.
"there's no need to feel guilty or bad about performing not the perfect one," said one of them.
"yeah. you're also a human and you make mistakes. we make mistakes and it's alright. no one blames you for the mistakes during the performance. you covered it up well."
"you see, hana... no one is perfect and your fans, they support you and they love you. i'm sure they noticed how tired you were. how exhausted you were and how sick you were. you told them on your instagram story that you were sick and we know that they understand."
"true. and i'm positive that your fans will love you no matter what performance you give to them. there's no reason to be guilty and bad."
"we agree. don't worry about it too much. you focus on getting better. if you keep on crying, you'll raise your body temperature and in the worst case, you'll get a worse fever than the one you have right now."
hana sat on the couch with an arm over her swollen eyes. she didn't speak a word. it's usually for hana to be silent when she's mad or she's sad. like times like this.
just, silent.
🤎🤎🤎
"i'm tired."
"i'm tired of caring about what others think or say about me."
"i'm tired of being a second choice."
"i'm tired of getting lied to."
"i'm tired getting used."
"i'm tired of people treating me like a joke during variety shows. they treat me like shit. they treat me like i'm a joke to them. they mocked my songs and what i'm doing."
"i am tired of not being happy and i'm tired of people treating me like an object. telling me what to do instead of doing things that make me happy."
"i'm tired to say that i'm okay when i'm not and i'm tired of pretending to be strong because i am not. i have to admit it that i'm not happy. i am not peaceful. i don't have a peaceful sleep. i don't have a happy life right now."
"i feel alone. i feel like my hopes for the things i want will never happen. and i'm tired of trying. i'm tired of being me. i'm tired to even breathe right now."
the room was silent. just listening to what hana had to say. bang si-hyuk was there, manager kim was there, and one of hana's closest stylist friends was there, seated beside her to comfort her.
hana was sitting on the couch with both her legs folded. tears running down her cheeks as she speaks out her heart. a few cameramen were in there as well.
"i am going through a lot. and i have been through things even my closest friends don't know about," hana speaks.
"it's so-so-so-so hard to live sometimes. to act like i'm fine to everyone when i'm really not. if i'm being honest with you, i feel like i want to kill myself. i saw a high building, i tell myself, one day, soon, i'm going to jump off that building."
"i tell myself to stay away from knives. i tell myself to never go to a stationary store because when i saw something sharp, it will trigger me. a lot."
"i pretend i'm fine. all the time. and no one even notices."
"i just wished somebody would notice how not okay and broken i am. only vernon sees that. but now that he's not here, i can't feel him. i can't hug him and i can't cry to him."
"i'm out here, spending millions, people see me as an artist. an international sensation. people talk the fuck about me. tell me what to wear, tell me what to sing. tell me to stop cursing in my songs because my children listens to it."
"i'm out here, doing what the company tells me to do to satisfy the public. i'm helping out people putting their broken pieces back together when..."
"well me? myself i'm still completely shattered. trying to put my own pieces back. completely alone!"
"i'm tried of fucking being there for other people."
"i feel like i'm reaching my limit."
"drowning. down, down, down and down."
"that's what i'm feeling. i feel like i can never catch a break. one thing piles on top of another and once something get taken care of, 10 more things come crumbling down."
"this lightheaded feeling. emptiness and disappointment."
"i can fake a smile and a laugh onstage. but it's temporary. it's not genuine smile. it's not genuine laugh."
"i feel lost right now. literally. i feel like i can't continue this tour."
