Bury Me In The Days

Grenade Baby

Jo is reading the letters in her room. I know it's hard for her to read the words that he didn't have the strength to say. She's so strong.

Asher is laying on top of my legs, yawning and waving his little arms. I figure he must be cold, so I wrap his blanket around him and hold him close to me. He snuggles up to me and coos, hiding his little face in my neck and chirping softly with lethargic content. I can't help thinking that this is what it's like to be a dad. In a way I guess I am the closest thing to his dad. I'm missing Adam now too... If only he could see what a great job Jo did.

Jo's door cracks and she steps out with the letter in her hands, shiny streaks line her face where the tears have run their course and her lip quivers as she sighs. "Caleb... What am I going to do without him... I miss him so much..."

I squeeze her cold, trembling hand and look down at the snoozing infant on my chest, "Do you want to hold him?"

"No. He looks so sweet and content there. I don't want to wake him." She looks down at him and smiles. "They always say it's hard to tell who they look like when they are first born, but this little guy looks just like his daddy..." She leans over and kisses him so softly that you can hardly tell that her lips touched his rosy little cheeks. "Bet you didn't know your daddy is an angel..."

"He'll know his momma is one, though...."

"Oh, Caleb... He's so perfect. Look at him there. He's the sweetest baby already." She begins to cry and I wipe a tear from her cheek. "I've hardly even looked at him since that night. I haven't taken very good care of him."

"You take however long you need. I know it hurts right now."

"Wait... The letter... It's from November. I didn't find out what we were having until December and I didn't tell him until Christmas..."

"I guess he just knew. He felt like you would need a boy. Someone to take care of you."

"How did he know he would die when Asher was born... Or that he would tell me how perfect Ash was. He even apologized for not being able to finish signing 'I love you'! He didn't even know sign language then!"

"He just knew, I guess. He knew everything he needed when he needed it."

"He was such a miracle... It's going to be so hard without him here."

It's been a few hours and Asher is beginning to root again so I hand him to her so she can feed him. 

She takes him from me and unbuttons her sweater and although I still feel awkward and out of place staying, I don't want to leave her all by herself. I know looking at him hurts her so badly.

She struggles to get him to latch and when he does, she winces.

"What's wrong?"

"It just hurts, to begin with. It's fine. Can you hand me that blanket? I don't want you to be too uncomfortable."
I smile at her consideration and give it to her, reaching over to tickle Asher's tiny feet. "It'll get easier... It'll all get easier, I promise."

"It's so hard right now, though... I wake up in the middle of the night because I think I hear him ... But it's never him... He's never there. He isn't laying beside me now or smiling at me in the morning or talking to Ash... He's gone. There was so much I wanted to do with him, so much I wanted to say... Now I have nothing to say at all... Because he'll never listen again..."

~*~

Dear Caleb, 12-11-09

I know she's holding Ash like he's a live grenade or something... She'll come around. Thank you for all you've done for us. I know you're going to have to raise my little man and I'm sorry. I know she can snag another guy though so if you find a girl like my Anna Lina go for it. She's so special. No one loves like she does. Just don't forget my girl.

I imagine Asher has been stretched out on your lap for the last few hours, and now he's demanding his mother's attention. She's probably bawling about how she can't do it and how she'll never be a good mother. Just laugh at her. She's stronger than she thinks. She doesn't think she can but she will.

She'll crawl out of bed one morning and beg you in her little baby voice to brush her hair the way she does with me when she's sick. Then she'll put on her favorite sweater and curl up on the couch with Asher, she'll watch each of our favorite movies and cry all over him. Then she'll have to change his clothes and she'll see the jersey she gave me to tell me that he was a boy. Then she'll cry some more and smile tearfully at the sunshine coming through Ash's window. Ha! She'll say it's me...

I wish I could see her right now. She's so shy she would probably be afraid of him anyways... I bet he "snarls" at you when he wakes up because he knows that you're not her. I bet all he does is sleep. He's a cuddler just like her, isn't he? I wish I could've had just one hour with him before I had to go.

Teach him everything a boy needs to know to be a man. Don't let him turn out wrong. It'll break Jo's heart. She was so worried about that. She pisses on the stick and then ten minutes later she pisses on her own happiness.

Make her laugh. It'll be a while but try your hardest. I know you can do it. Make her smile. Make her live her life like she's never been able to before. She's free now.

Thank you.

Love,

Adam