Take A Leap Of Faith

"Thoughts"

It is indeed easy said than done.

After sitting agonizingly during the one hour meeting at McDonald's with my colleagues at work, well its really not a work related meeting but about a night out plan for Wednesday, five days from now. I went home immediately before they could ask me again who is him, yeah him the "so fucking hot male creature they have ever seen in their whole human existence" not my words I assure you.

With a troubled sigh, I plucked myself in my favorite chair, the colored black and white fluffy gaming chair given to me last year as birthday present by my Bigo friends. You know Bigo? the worldwide streaming app used to meet people around the globe. You can earn through being a streaming host, showing your talents or even by just talking to them, the viewers. A great experience of mine during pandemic, it helps a lot coping lock down days, staying sane and a big help for it gives enough wage on those days.

Going back to what happened this crazy hell of a day, relieving the scenes I thought only happens on movies and books, how wrong I am. So damn wrong. And what had gotten into me for saying yes to such sham of a marriage, I don't fucking know! Taking a deep breathe accepting that I can't go back down now, can't I? He don't know my name, my damn full name. He did not care to ask it either! And and my number, he did not have it too, did he?
I can still say no, right? I still can.

Flashes of the past years of my life surrounds and reminisces my mind. The time where I chose to pay indebtedness to my aunt who raised, schooled and feed me till I graduated, when I gave up the path I built for my dreams to be abroad and just teach here, living full of what ifs, up until now. The times I worked three jobs just to make it through and support my family and schooled my sisters in colleges. Being a tutor, a cleaner, a call center agent, vendor or we say peddler. The times when water is enough to fill my aching stomach. The times investing to many sham of a business hoping this is the miracle, not a miracle, but them who feeds on poor ones to keep their statuses, the scammer kings and queens. They don't have a heart! If I could just strunggle them with my bare hands and maybe, just maybe they'll stop such devil acts of theirs. The times where no coin left in my wallet and begging for some people to lend me is my exit, and some lenders add big interest even borrowed only small amounts to be paid within three months. The time, that dark time of my young life, no one knew and no one will ever know. I'll take it to my grave and suffer alone. And even if time could turn back, I'll still choose the same fate over and over again. I could live knowing it's me till death than any one of my family. "I could not live with that." a squeak muttered by me as a tear rolls down dropping wet at the screen of my phone.

Blinding light appears, a picture of Tifa and Cloud, my wallpaper. How I wish to have that kind of a man who will protect me at any cost. But I know that kind of man is only found in written inks and wooden papers. So I stopped hoping a long time ago. Flipping my phone, opening it, stared at his number clicking message. I easily located it. "Love", he named his number love, what the - I won't be bothered by that. That means nothing yeah, it's better if its his true name though. Why didn't he? Even in the five paged docs I read, there is no name of his, just party A party B, then even in family backgrounds no names of his family. What is he hiding? He really is a mafia prince! Shit! I'll be dead before the sham of a year ends! What should I do?!

He's the only ticket to my dreamland that I am sure of. He can provide me everything. He even will pay all my debts! Just that for a year with him is already enough reason for me to accept and flee. Why would I suffer five future years of mine saving nothing but paying debts only, of having to fear what and how to cope up every ends meet, of providing less than I should for my family, of living but not living life at all. It ain't hard being in one roof with a man like him right? I am not attracted to him and sure he isn't too with me. He sure have ways to relieve his needs, just like I have my own. Living and having life, providing my family much, reading all day, watching movies and travel the world free. That won't be difficult. That won't be a dull life. I'll make the best that I could for a year, even to become someone else. Yes, I'll be someone else. I can't contact my family within a year but can provide them, thats in the contract. I'll be using a different identity, a fake identity. That won't be hard, right? I once been a theater actress at college. I can pull any acts publicly if need be.

"Love, I'll be there tomorrow at 7 pm. Dinner on you.", I typed and clicked send. This is it! A ping sounded after a second. It's from him "👍", like sign? Just a like sign? Yeah, we could work.