Over Thinker

CHAPTER 4

It's 6th of January and i hope things go well before I go to school on the 8th, I'm feeling so nervous about everything, it's like the days are going too fast or I'm just too slow in how I do things time goes faster.

Whatever the case maybe I'm just nervous, Sam asked of me though, I think he feels guilty, I see no reason for him to feel guilty even though he was the one that told me to start the anonymous message, I don't really blame him, I'm not that kind of person to drop my problems on another person. Sam would never intend for me to be in trouble even when he was a dick, but he wouldn't.

He gave suggestions for me to follow like, tell my mum to beg the guy, but I wasn't feeling it,I knew my mum would but nothing would really change, and I wanted to see what I can do on my own first, which isn't wise but it's my problem to solve not hers.

Many people asked of me,by many I mean five, I don't have a big friend group and I don't see a reason to have alot of friends.  And yes I'm loner, Don't judge me, Vicky, Sam, Daniel and Allison my crush asked of me and the last being my roommate Zaddy.

Allison ask how i was doing and I told her everything was going bad, I lost all my confidence, I think I'm depressed and my anxiety is to it's max right now. I couldn't get anything done without overthinking and end up doing nothing at all. I was planning on doing so much this week like get my glasses, buy new clothes, and buy amazing gifts for all my friends and now I just want to sleep all day, not feeling like doing anything.

She encouraged me to at least get my glasses,since my site was very important, I told her I would but in heart I knew I wouldn't. I'm not into public spaces and especially when I'm anxious.

My friends just really were worried about me and I was greatful to have people that actually care, that reminded me I had a ton of friends that always chat me up but now non talk to me, I guess you know your friends at your worst.

Today, over thinking feels more like a curse, I've been so lost in thought, I forgot to eat all day, now my tummy hurts because I probably didn't eat last night, I know I got to take care of myself but my mind is Stronger than my will right now, but the pain is my tummy is the worst.

I feel like I just got my period, if I was a girl,  it hurts so badly, especially when I move around, I quickly made instant noodles and gubbled it up like a dog, I was really hungry.

But my tummy still hurts, how can girls go through this, don't they feel like dying, period cramps are the worst, not a girl though but damn my tummy hurts.

I watched movies and tried to complete my list for items I need for school, not still getting my glasses though, too much stress.

I finally realized my overthinking is unnecessary after reading my point of view out loud, I was laughing, how such worries and thoughts came to my mind in the first place.

I needed to be rational in my thinking, I didn't kill anyone or threatened the lecturer so they can't expell me, the highest is suspend and the suspension
last a week or two, a month if I'm really unlucky.

I'll meet the lecturer in the morning and apologize and explain myself, maybe I don't need to since he already told the vice Chancellor, but I need to apologise, to make my conscience clean, I don't want to escape my punishment I just don't want an enemy. I'll explain that part to him.

Finally I'm rationally thinking again, gawd!! I miss this personality again, I just hope I don't have cold feet when I want to meet him, ill just read this passage to start thinking rational, and if anything happens I'll be recording it, do I can save his reaction and responses without him knowing, of course.

If he chooses to hate me still, I'll stop worrying knowing my conscience is clean, and what ever my punishment is, I'll face it, at least I'm better than those that smoke or have sex in secret and get caught.

That get expelled, I'm not going to worry too much, just wait and see, no more worrying.

7th of January
I'm arranging and preparing for my departure on the 8th, I need alot of things, I'll buy some in school but I think I'm ready.

I was so busy this morning, washing clothes, folding, running errands, going shopping, so much things I did today.

I could have done them long ago but my mood was not supportive, so now I'm back to my feet I think I'm doing things much better, I think it's because internationally I just want to get it over with and see what the guy says before I start worrying unnecessary.

My mind and mental state aren't as good as it was before but I hope I can handle what ever is coming my way after this.

Face my fears and get it over with, that reminds me of the new PUSS IN BOOTS movie, if you haven't watched it I'm gonna spoil it and you need to watch it, like right now, it's the absolutely fucking best movie ever made by dream work.

Puss in boots lives legendary lives and dies from his recklessness, knowing he had 9 lives, what if he was down to his last life, will he still be reckless.

Well the answer is no, after finding out he has only one life, death looks for him as he journey to find a wishing star, but seriously death is looking for him.

On his journey he finds out he doesn't need the.wish anymore and he has all he needs right there with him and he would spend the last if his life with the love of his life.

It was so emotionally heart breaking seeing puss fight fir his life and you know how Spanish music is like, so lively and romantic, I love it so much.

It reminds me of the balance wishing system, the balance wishing system is an energy transfer system, where if you want something you need to do something to get it, even the things you wish for come from somewhere, so if you wish for a house, you have literally robed someone of thier home without knowing, or if your wish doesn't affect reality it is going to affect you, like take some of your life essence, make you age faster, have potential bad luck all the time.

My point is that, you want something you pay for it, weither physical or spiritual, and the energy transfer is the same, you all know the principle of matter, right your not nerds.

Well energy cannot be destroyed but can be converted, so everything you do had an equal reaction with your environment and yourself, like the heat of a pot, it doesn't just disappeared it combines with the atmosphere and they try to be equal at all cost, literally, you should see lava in ice.

But this energy flow takes time, it's a gradual process, that's why I believe magic cannot exist only science, advance science we cannot yet understand or formulate, like teleportation, flying,bit hard to understand these things but once you do, my concept becomes more understanding.

Anyway let me not bore you with my fantasy science thoughts, I had spaghetti for dinner, ate alot if meat balls and took a cold bath from all my stress, lying on my bed reading a book and writing my observation for you.

I think that's it for this chapter, I'll update how my school life is tomorrow.
The horror 😔

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A/N
Songs to recommend when depressed
No.1  BIRTHDAY CAKE by Dylan conrique