Make Up Your Mind | Endeavor x Reader

Chapter Thirty Two | Confession Pt.1

Endeavor's eyes widen, moving slowly toward your bedside, hesitantly approaching. He stands there, not a muscle moving, but tense like never before.

He scans over your unconscious body, seeing the stitches all over your body, blood splotches, arm cast, and bandage around your abdomen and chest.

Endeavor falls into the chair besides you, his skin prickling with anger and fear. Endeavor reaches his hand to your arm, but retracts it and stands up.

"Fuck!" Endeavor paces around the room, his fingers clutching his hair. "Why didn't I—"

Endeavor looks back at your unconscious body laying in the bed, the anger flushing out and the guilt and fear swarming his chest.

Endeavor falls back into the chair, unknowingly taking your hand into his, gripping it tightly, bringing it up to his forehead.

"...why didn't I protect you?" Endeavor presses your hand against his forehead, shutting his eyes. "I should've never have let you leave my sight."

"I should've done a better job at protecting you," Endeavor says, staring at your sunken cheeks. "I did this...this is my fault."

Endeavor shakes his head, his brows furrowing. "But you were fine a second ago—why—how did this happen to you...?"

Endeavor shuts himself up, a scoff escaping his lips. "Look at me, making excuses for why I wasn't there to make sure you went home safe. Pathetic."

"I'm making these stupid excuses because..." Endeavor's voice gets caught in his throat, his eyes starting to sting. "...because I don't know if you'll make it or not."

Endeavor brings your hand to his forehead again, propping his elbows on the edge of the bed, his eyes focused on the bed. He inhales sharply, his breath shaky and unstable.

"I don't know if you can hear me, and this might seem selfish, but I might never be able to say these words to you, and this might be the only chance I get. If this is the best I get, I'll take it."

"I can't even—look at you." Endeavor lifts his head slowly, then lowers it, then lifts it up for the last time, much slower, his eyes cracking open. When his eyes set on your fragile state, his breath hitches.

He looks up at the ceiling, blowing out shallow breathes and rocking your hand back and forth along with his, anything to distract him from the inevitable cry.

Endeavor repeatedly blows out shallow breathes until it starts to stabilize, his eyes landing on you once more.

"I...love you," Endeavor rests your hand against his face, tears running down his cheek. "Always have. But I guess I said it too late, didn't I?"

Endeavor lets a chuckle. One full of spite and regret. "Not even that. I said the wrong thing that night."

"Why? Why did I reject you for? What am I so afraid about," Endeavor squeezes your hand, tears rushing down and dripping onto the bedsheet. "Why am I such a coward...?"

Endeavor's brows furrow, the realization coming to mind. "Because I held myself back with the past, I pushed you away."

Endeavor's voice is full of hurt and anger, his frustration being with himself. "But why? Why did you insist on taking care of me that night? What part about me made someone like you want to stay with me?"

Endeavor stops talking for a moment, getting his emotions under check. "You know, I've always loved you. I'm pretty sure I fell for you the day you started working for me."

"That day we stared at each other after NightEye's meeting? The day you kissed me? If you hadn't kissed me, I would've done it myself. I couldn't hold back anymore." Endeavor smiles, recalling the moment.

Endeavor steals a glance at you, his eyes subconsciously glued to your face. "Remember when I told you we couldn't be together? When I guessed that you felt something that night at dinner? Yeah, I felt something that night too."

"I actually wanted to kiss you even before that night," Endeavor says, looking out into space like he's recalling a story and telling it to you like you're not unconscious. "I wanted to kiss you a couple of times, actually."

Endeavor's mood lifts, his every fiber invested into the one sided conversation. "Another time was when I held you in my arms the day of NightEye's first meeting. I lied about not using a car for emergency meetings...I just wanted to hold you really bad."

"And before that was when you were drunk. I wanted to steal a kiss from you so badly that day. Who would know? You were drunk. And even if you did recall it, you'd think of it as an imagination."

After a moment of silence, Endeavor's eyes light up.

"There was another time. My favorite, actually. The time I brought you home after dinner. When you pulled me into the bed with you, I never wanted to leave your side. I just wanted to hold you and never let you go."

"When I brought you home the first time...something inside went off. It was like part of me was wishing—imaging a future where I could be able to carry you home—to our house. Maybe that's wishful thinking, but it's true...and still is."

After recalling all the memories, the ache in his chest returns. "Why...why couldn't I just say the words? What was so hard..." Endeavor breaks down, his whole body shaking from the internal ache. "...about telling you how I feel?"

Endeavor looks at you through teary eyes, his cries the only thing filing and echoing off the walls of the room, his eyes desperate and his voice pleading through thick tears.

"Why do I always do this?" Endeavor asks, his question directed to no one in particular. "Why do I always push away the people that love me...?"

"Why do I end up hurting the people I love?"Endeavor lowers his face, taking a closer look at you. "I didn't want to hurt you...I don't want to hurt anyone. But I always do."

"What's wrong with me?" Endeavor looks hard into your closed eyes, hoping that they'll open anytime soon. Reassure him that you're in fact alright, and not dying in front of him.

"You said you wouldn't go before me," Endeavor places your hand in between his, holding it up in front of him as if praying, his head down. "...don't go back on your word...please."

Tears and cries escape from Endeavor, his body crumbling, leaning against the edge of the hospital bed. "Please, y/n...I need you."

Endeavor brings your hand to his lips, leaving a gentle kiss before tightening his hold. "I love you too much to say goodbye."

"I'm sorry...I know I hurt you, " Endeavor continues to cry, his hands refusing to let go of your own, his head relying on his arm for support. "I'll never leave your side, no matter what. So please...just wake up..."

And just like that, Endeavor slowly drifts off into a sleep, his grip on your hand loosening, but still cozy. The last of his tears stream down his cheeks, staining them in curved paths.

***

A few hours later you feel as if your eyelids were forced shut, like you're trying to force yourself to go to sleep. You furrow your brows, a sudden twitch in your limb signaling that you're awake.

You try to get up, but your pounding headache told you otherwise, leaving you to lay back in the position you had been in for the past...however many hours you had been there.

When your eyes adjust to the bright light, you see Endeavor laying there, his hand cupped around yours and his head resting on his arms, sound asleep.

"Enji...?"

A/N: I apologize the chapter's not as long as usual, I couldn't really put much into this chapter because there was only so much I could've added for this scene. I promise the next chapter's not this short.

See you guys next week! Have a good weekend! :)