Phone Guy Dave AU

Aubergine Pizza

(Disclaimer: This is once again quite OOC, especially for Dave, because, well, he's a phone guy now, a bit for Jack as well because he has depress because boyfriend is phone, admittedly not too out of the ordinary (not the depress at least, the phone part is pretty weird tho).
While my last fic was hardcore angst with a double shot of angst on the side, this one, and probably a lot of future phone guy Dave AU fanfics contains a great deal of fluff. Specifically Davesport fluff.)

Jack had found that despite having called in a few favours with the factory, he hadn't managed to have them make Dave any less brainwashed. Ok, that is not entirely true, as he had managed to effectively skip out on the whole fake wife and being named Scott thing. But that's where his luck ended.
Dave had been simply left with really no memories whatsoever, and upon having asked if Jack knew who he was, the orange man had snapped at him. Jack didn't mean to. It wasn't Dave he was upset with. It was Henry.
The man who he had trusted for some reason. Perhaps Henry really was the manipulative mastermind he thought himself to be. Henry had used his body to hurt Dave, and now Dave had forgotten his own name.
Jack had gotten in trouble, apparently Dave was missing a lot of organs, and his decomposition was suspicious. The people at the factory had accused Jack of having killed him himself, taken his organs, and left him to rot. The only reason he was not arrested was a) because what was going on wasn't exactly MORAL in the first place, b) Jack is very scary, and c) Dave COUGHED.
Jack wasn't sure he'd ever get Dave back. He wasn't responding to anything, and he was running out of hope.
"Uhhh sir? Sir you have been standing there staring at me for the past 10 minutes." Jack was snapped out of his trance by Dave, 'staring' down at him.
"Right. Sorry I lost my train of thought. What did you want again?"
The phone sighed dramatically, "You know we're never going to get anywhere if you don't focus, sir. I was just telling you that our suit performer is... 'on vacation' which is code of course for 'running from the police'. Now I could step in for h-"
"No."
"Sir I don't understand."
"I'll do it. I swear to god if you ever have to see the inside of a springlock suit."
"I already have."
"Do not be a smartass employee."
"Now that the case of the suit wearer is settled, rather oddly I might add. We have finally completed all matters on this page." Dave says.
"So are we done now? Can I go now?"
"No. We have 4 more pages."
Jack whines "still?! We've already done like 8!"
"11 actually."
"Christ."
"Ok onto the next order of business. The customers find Matt to be unsettling, due to his virginity and smile. Now, we can't do anything about the smile but we CAN take him to Vegas and hire a couple hookers."
Jack smiles at Dave's first solution being hookers in Vegas, maybe he wasn't gone after all.
"Nah, won't work. I've already tried that. Besides, can't we just have Matt wear a mask? He should be wearing one anyway."
"We can't. The hecking masks melt off his face due to the power of his virginity."
"...Christ."
"So I'm assuming Matt is a bust?"
"Pretty much. We just need to tell customers to deal with it, he all but came with the prize counter."
"I thought you specifically looked for him for the job."
"He all but came with the prize counter."
Dave makes a dialup noise in frustration. "Ok... how about just this last page. I want to be done as much as you do. I have a longing to hide in the Saferoom so I don't have to do my job."
"Gimme the next boring list item."
"Ok, so, music man has made his nest in our ball pit and kids have started disappearing into it. Fazbender's has a long history of child murders so it looks very bad for us."
You'd know about that, wouldn't you. Oh wait... no you wouldn't. Never mind...
"So we probably need to find some way to get rid of it... only problem is that... I don't want to even enter that room because of it."
"Eh, it's not our worst room."
Another dialup noise "HOW THE HECK IS THE ROOM WITH THE GIANT HECKING SPIDER ROBOT THAT EATS KIDS NOT OUR WORST ROOM!?!?!?!?!"
"Disabled bathroom. Also the strip club, although that one is also my favourite. It's only bad because Oscar."
The phone guy sighs "ok, next order of business. The health inspector is coming soon-"
"How soon is soon?"
"12 years."
"Ok that's it, meeting over, you're obsessing over things that don't matter. It's tradition to only care the DAY OF the inspection. Plus a little bribery goes a long way so you don't even have to care that day either. You're working yourself to death."
"Better dead than closed sir."
Jack grabbed the purple phone man's hand and dragged him away.
"Where are you kidnapping me to sir?"
"My favourite room."
"Oh dear god no."
Jack throws open the door to the strip club. "Look Davey, STRIPPER FAXES."
"...why did you say 'fox' like that?"
"Dave... say 'fax'"
"No."
"Dave I'm not angry, just disappointed. Say fax."
"Sir... you're scaring me." Dave backs away.
"Say fax employee. It is an order."
"Fine sir. 'Fax'. Are you happy."
"Very."
Jack leads Dave into the strip club, and directly to the salad bar. "Sir if this is that thing where you get me to yell at you to not eat the salad I'll fire myself." Ah, Jack remembers making his first phoney do that. Priceless. Not something he'd make Dave do, but priceless nonetheless.
"No I was actually wondering if you wanted any. It's the only food in this building you can't get cancer from."
"I don't have a mouth, sir." His phone guy reminds.
"I'm sure we could just shove it up your ass and have the same effect."
"Sir, I'm not letting you shove salad up my ass."
":("
"Did you just... say an emoticon? Also did you want to shove salad up my ass?!?"
"Ok, I'm bored now and I've endured too much Oscar by being in the same room as him."
Jack grabs Dave's hand again and drags him out of the room.
"So what is it... if I might ask... what is it you actually DO? During the days you're here?" Dave asks Jack.
"Eh, I mostly just wander around looking for loose change and messing around." Jack gets a dialup tone in response to this.
"Look if you really want to be doing actual work. How about we make a pizza? The eternal spirit of Ronaldo taught me how."
"The WHAT NOW?!"
.
.
.
Dave mostly forced Jack to put on normal toppings. This wasn't good. Jack was hoping to reawaken Dave's chaotic urges by giving him opportunities to mess with people, but the factory had turned him into some perfect employee. Fortunately for Jack, he had a TRUMP CARD. A whole eggplant.
Dave was just about to put the pizza in the oven when he pulled out the plant. "Wait, Dave, one more ingredient."
Dave seemed to freeze for a moment upon seeing the eggplant, as if remembering something. Holy shit was Jack's stupidest plan to date working?
"An elusive aubergine!"
"H-how is it elusive."
"Murder."
"Of course. Well you can't put it on the pizza it's not sliced or anything."
"Sure I can. He desires to be on the pizza, Dave. I've never been one to say no to aubergines."
"Look I can tell that somehow by looking at you. But this particular EGGPLANT is telling you to do something EVIL."
"Fake news. All aubergines tell me to do evil things."
"The evil power of your purple vegetable is causing me to glitch, get it away from me. Kids won't want to eat it anyway."
"Sure they will. It's delicious." Jack decides to demonstrate this by taking a bite out of the eggplant.
"Ok now we REALLY can't put it on the pizza, you bit it."
"I have more." Jack says, pulling more eggplants out of nowhere. Dave makes a dialup noise in response.
"Ok Sport, really, this is causin' me to glitch." Dave says, having apparently switched back to his real voice. Jack smiles upon hearing the nickname.
"Glitch smitch, it's going on the pizza." Jack moves to put it on the pizza.
"NO!" Dave jerks the pizza away. "I'm not letting you mess with my code!"
"Dave..." Jack sighs. He wants him back, as soon as possible. But he doesn't want to hurt him again. He's at least managed to START Dave remembering who he is. With some clever language and an aubergine alone.
Jack's eggplants seem to disappear back into Jack's Apparently bottomless pockets.
"Ok, I'll stop. You win, normal pizza it is."
"Actually..." Dave says, sounding somewhat unsure. Dave grabs one of the acid mushrooms Jack had tried to convince him to put in with the regular ones and sticks it on one of the slices. "Lil' thing for whoever gets that piece." Dave says. And for a moment Jack almost forgets he's talking to a phone guy.
.
.
.
That night, Jack goes home hopeful for what the future might hold, for the first time since Dave had asked him to go to the factory, he feels things might be ok.
As for Dave? As soon as he goes into sleep mode, he has dreams of a time long past in which an aubergine and his tangerine took Vegas by storm.

(Notes: Aaaand fic two is done. It's a better depiction of what to expect from the PG!Dave AU. Although there surely will be more angst like the first one. Not much more to say. Bai!)