Phone Guy Dave AU

Meow

(Disclaimer: This story takes place after a book of memories when they somehow yeet themselves to Vegas. So here we go, Tangerine Man and Aubergine Phone in Vegas. Also for some context, in this AU Jack does not have the Flipside arcade machine, and thus does not know about Flipside Dave.)

The two men walk hand in hand down the neon lit streets of Vegas as everyone (sober enough to understand the world around them) stares. It could be their oddly hued skin. It could be the fact one of them has a phone for a head. It could be slightly less that they just robbed a store. Regardless, they pay no mind.
"Dude what happened in there, you just froze up!" Jack complains.
"Sorry sportsy, dam-dang telemarketers. You'd think I'd have some sort of block against that shi-stuff, but no." Dave sighs in annoyance "I fu-hecking hate this fu-hecking swearing block."
"Personally, I think it's hilarious."
"Of course YOU do! You're not the one who can't say heck. And of course you know I mean heck, not heck."
"Can't you just remove that feature?"
"Can't, I tried. It's tied up with a buncha really hecking important stuff so if I get rid of it I'm a goner. At least random acts of violence are still on the table!" Dave emphasizes this point by punching out a random drunk guy. "Feels more empty though. Sportsy, do you know if there's a such thing as dying too many times? Do you think that stuff affects me or something?"
"I dunno, I've only died the one time... ok that's not entirely true, I was pronounced dead for a solid 30 minutes in college. So I guess I've died twice."
"Shoot sport, what were you doing?"
"Wouldn't you like to know~" Jack thinks back to that night... why had he thought it was such a good idea. How else could injecting heroin into his asshole have gone? "Anyway, tell me about the whole phoney experience. I almost was one when I got springlocked."
"Kinda not great to be honest. Beats the suit. Barely. At least I'm not full of hecking maggots with metal chunks impaling me and my organs hanging out. Nah, this is more... well just the right amount of mild discomfort to be considered torture. The head is shockingly itchy, telemarketers exist, I can't hecking swear, my programming is screaming at me to go back to the restaurant, I can't drink, I can't do cocaine, and I'm eternally cringing because of all that stuff that I did as a glorified Scott."
"Rip."
"You're so mean to me Old Sport."
The two men come upon their favourite casino from their first two trips to Vegas.
"This place looks like less of a crack den than last time, Sportsy what went wrong!?" Dave says in a frantic tone as they stand in the lobby of the trashiest casino in Vegas, or at least what used to be.
"No fucking clue man." Jack says shaking his head in disappointment."
"How's about we get ourselves kicked out and find a better place?"
"Oh fuck yeah."
"Couldja stop flexing on me with your fancy hecking lack of a swearing block!" Dave complains as the two men walk up to the nearest security guard to attempt to beat him up.
Needless to say both of the crayola men were beaten within an inch of their lives and thrown out into an alley.
.
.
.
Jack wakes up to the feeling of something soft pawing at his face. When he opens his eyes he sees a fluffy little white kitten with black spots. His eyes widen as he sees this glorious creature, this absolute gift to the world.
"Dave... DAVE!" Jack slaps the phone man, hurting his hand in the process and hissing at the pain. Dave wakes up, apparently this is all it takes to get a phone man out of sleep mode.
"Ugh... what... what is it Spo-"
"Look at him. LOOK AT HIM DAVE!" Jack says, forcing the kitten into Dave's face.
"Holy shoot Sport! Where didja get that lil bastard!"
"He woke me up, he didn't have a collar or a microchip-"
"How could you tell he didn't have a microchip?"
"I've been microchipped before, I know the signs. Well anyway. He didn't have one, so he's mine now, and I named him Beans. We're keeping him regardless of what you say but can we keep him?" Jack attempts to do a cute face, turning out looking more like a Lovecraftian horror.
"'Course Sportsy! How could I say no to a face like that! Both of ya! So... back to the strip?"
"Are you mad!? We need to make sure our SON is safe first! Do you even love me!?" Jack says, tearing up.
"Oh god I'm such a hecking moron! You're right! You're always right! Our child must come first! I do love you! More than anything else!" Dave says, also crying.
The two men skipped off hand in hand with Beans and spent the rest of the trip carrying the kitten around in a baby carrier.

(Note: Ok so this one was a little less angst and a little more fluffy crack. But yea, Beans is an official character now. He's also surprisingly relevant to the loose plot I have planned. Btw I drew him, and I've decided all my fanfics from now on will tend to also come with art because I'm getting better about drawing shit.)