A hill with a tree

Christmas 2021

It's been a couple days since Iris cut me off from his life, and not going to school anymore meant I couldn't even see him and talk to him, he completely cut me off.

My pain these last couple days has been unbearable, I cannot sleep, every time I close my eyes I hear the words "out of pity" I see the images of that dark alley, of my bruised and violated body. I look at the blue symmetrical box on my desk, tied together with a bright red ribbon.

It was supposed to be a gift for Iris, I saved up the little money that I got from my dad each month and bought him this, it wasn't much, or expensive, but I knew he would appreciate it, but now there's no one to give it to, my Iris, my best friend has decided he no longer needed me. My heart skips another beat at that thought, followed by a sharp stabbing pain, which makes me grasp at it with my hand.

I look back down at the piece of paper wet with tears again, reading and rereading the note that I wrote for my parents to find.

I fish out my phone. I haven't tried calling or messaging Iris since that day, but I need to send him a message, for myself, even if he blocked me, I need to know I at least tried. Maybe he can stop me, maybe, just maybe, he's still here for me.

I click send, and see one blue check mark appear, which means it's been delivered.

I sigh loudly, falling back on my chair, feeling the entire weight of my body, each limb collapsing on top of each other like a pile of neatly stacked rocks, just one of them out of place, and it all tumbles over.

I glance at my phone, still no second check mark.

I look at the time, it's almost seven PM now, I think it's time.

I take a deep breath, letting the cool air rush into my lungs and just momentarily give me enough courage to stand up from the squeaky chair.

I move sluggishly through the apartment, everything is a blur. I put on my shoes for what probably is the last time. I glance in the direction of the living room, my dad has his arms around my step mom, they're cuddled together, watching television.

I walk down the multiple flights of stairs, feeling more numb with each consecutive step.

I walk out the front door of my apartment building, walking over to the bus stop in a daze, and take a seat at the stop, watching as cars drive by. No smells are present, despite having a very strong sense of smell, I cannot smell anything at the moment.

The bus arrives only after a couple of minutes, I hand the driver five bucks and sit down near a window, gazing out as we drive through the half empty city. It has already gotten dark out, the full moon shining back at me, as if mocking me.

The bus stops promptly, asking everyone to get off as we have reached the final stop.

Everyone steps out of the bus, I follow behind them.

I double check directions on my phone, noticing that the time is just past eight PM, while also checking for a second blue check mark, which still hasn't appeared. I appreciate the scenery of the lamp lit streets during the night, another last for me. Groups of flies are gathered under some of them, dancing under the bright yellow lights.

I continue walking, like a zombie, not really paying attention to my surroundings, and manage to get lost. I chuckle, I'm here to end it at all, and I still manage to get fucking lost.

I fetch my phone out of my pocket, but because of my sudden anger and frustration I drop it on the ground, the screen cracks in the process.

FUCK! I scream loudly. The phone is completely unusable. I stuff it back in my pocket and look around for directions. I walk around the neighbourhood, finally noticing a map hung up on one of the nearby bus stations. I try to figure it out for a long minute before finally finding my destination, and then spend another five minutes trying to find my own location. I facepalm when I realise it was marked the entire time.

With my destination and path finally discovered, I continue trekking through the unfamiliar neighbourhood dimly lit streets.

An occasional bypasser comes along, hurrying along to wherever they're late to for Christmas. Unlike them, I have nowhere to be, I'm all alone.

I reach a fork in the path, the part I need to take is an unlit dirt road for a couple hundred metres, before I reach proper sidewalks again, having nothing left to fear, I plunge into the darkness, my only lightsource the captivating moon.

It doesn't take long to emerge back on a sidewalk, and I proudly mentally pat myself on the back for not being afraid, yet another last.

From here on its smooth sailing, straight ahead until I reach the tall bridge.

The closer I get, the more regret I feel, I desperately search my memories, for a single, any reason to not do this, to just go back home, but no matter how many times I replay all the events, I have nothing left, my dad only feels disappointment, I have no friends besides Iris, who now hates me, my body hasn't felt like my own ever since I got assaulted..

Before I knew it, I was already standing on the bridge, still absorbed in my thoughts.

I walk along the sidewalk, peering down into the dark abyss, at the bottom of this dark abyss should be a river. The river that will be my resting place.

I climb over the rather small ledge with ease, gazing down with dreadful eyes. It's now or never. My smell has finally returned, and I can smell the salty ocean water. This river connects to an ocean not too far away. I take a deep sharp breath, my fear and anxiety momentarily disappearing, and a moment is all I need.

Just as I let go, I feel a couple fingers just barely touch my shoulder, loud noises are filling my ears, although I'm too far gone to recognise them. I close my eyes, letting the cold winter air carry me down to my icy tomb, it feels gentle against the parts of my body that are bare. My fear has disappeared and I feel fully at peace.

The moment I slam into the hard water surface, a sharp pain radiates throughout my entire being, involuntary coughs escaping my lips, filling my mouth with the salty ocean water. It gets to my lungs in almost no time, beginning to suffocate me, my body aches for air, and it tries to breathe, drawing in even more water. The pain is almost unbearable, I want to scream and shout, I want to cry and sob.

I grasp for something, for anything to hold onto, frantically waving my hands around in the water. I sink deeper and deeper, the water settling in my lungs like a heavy stone, carrying me down to the bottom of the cold waters.

And then it all just stops, the pain is gone as I let the water freely roam my body, my thoughts are clear as day as I relax my limbs, I ease, and wait for death to take me.

I feel a sudden sharp tug on my arm. I ignore it mentally, already having given up.

The powerful grasp on my arm doesn't stop dragging me up, but I'm too far gone to care. No one can save me now, and it should be that way, it'll all be over soon, I'll be at peace.