Servitude

Chapter Twenty

Over the following months, I didn't leave my room. When I wasn't sleeping or eating, I was just lost in my thoughts. I relived every part of my life that I could remember.

Due to having these memories so recently shown to me, it meant they were a lot more focused and clear. They were so hard to comprehend because even though they happened many years ago, they felt so recent.

So far, I have classed these as waking nightmares because I never have them at night. This was because every night before I slept, Jacob would touch my temple, and my mind would go blank. Every day, Jacob would stay in my room from morning till night. He fed me my food and read me stories. Even though I was present, I couldn't always hear what he said.

After a while, these visits would become less and less frequent; instead, a doctor took his place. I think it was Francesca's idea for Jacob to come less and have the doctor visit more because the day before the doctor started arriving, she had come in briefly, spoke to Jacob, and then left, and I have never seen her since. But I have had bright lights shone onto my face.

I did try to get up and do something, but each time I awoke, I just told myself why.

What is the point of even being awake? What is there for me to do? I have so many negative feelings about myself and life in general.

The thing is, I have asked for death so much when in reality, I don't deserve such an easy way out. I deserve to suffer, not in my own self-pity but in remorse; this ensures I cause no harm to anyone or anything again. If I am not functioning, then I can't have a life which I don't deserve.

It took several months after my memories had been returned, for the recurring waking nightmares to die down. I was no longer getting replays of my life on an endless loop. Instead, I could now hear the voices of the people who came to visit fill my ears.

I don't know why I suddenly felt strong enough to do it, nor did I care what gave me the strength. But I stood up out of bed and headed towards the bathroom to start running myself a bath. Nobody had taken notice of me leaving, as I sometimes did this If I needed to get up for essential needs, but the running water surprised them. I knew this time that the silence wasn't from my out-of-body state. They were surprised.

Nobody came to me, which I was thankful for. Maybe too afraid that if they did, I would crumble again.

I didn't care who saw me in the bath, but I shut the door anyway.

Once I was happy with the volume of water, I plunged myself in. After months of very simple cleaning, this felt amazing. I lathered so much soap on myself to the point that I found new skin under the built-up grime I seemed to have accumulated.

I would have stayed in the bath until my skin shrivelled up, but I pulled myself out and wrapped myself in a towel. Then I watched as the dirty water swirled and left the tub.

Next was the clothes. I hadn't changed into more than some new pyjamas every few days, so I left the bathroom and ventured towards the wardrobe, not even checking if anyone was in the room. I searched through the endless array of fine clothing until I found a pretty dress that looked flowy enough for me to feel comfortable in.

I threw it over my head and stroked the soft silk it was made from. I was standing like that stroking the fabric, when I heard a soft female voice that I didn't recognise pull my attention away.

"Daisy." I just hummed in response. I had spent years not using my voice, so not using it now didn't feel so odd. Instead, I found comfort in the subtle noises I could make without saying a single word.

"Would you like me to bring your food up, or would you like to eat downstairs with the others?" I tilted my head slightly to study the young woman.

She had what looked like long, flowing orange locks, but they were tied up in a bun above her head, so I wasn't sure. It was a lovely orange, not damaged like the ones I had seen on Earth. I couldn't pinpoint her age, but if I had to guess, it would be around my age, maybe older, so twenty-two at most. I got so distracted watching how the sun beamed off her hair that I hadn't even fully registered her question. So I pulled my gaze away and replayed what she had said in my head.