Red Silver

S1.C15 - Alcohol and tears (Zandvoort)

*Flashback*

I'm panicking. I start breathing really fast and my Apple Watch gets me the notification for my heart rate, I enter the first room on the hallway.
"Calm down, it's a panick attack, come here" I haven't even seen Carlos was in here.
Carlos hugs me and I press my face on his chest.
"Are you feeling better now?" He asks after a couple of minutes.
"Yes, thank you"
It's my first GP. Bahrain. I never felt all this pressure and it's all so new for me.
"It's normal"
"I can imagine, I'm just not use to it" I look at him "Thank you Carlos, I'm sorry to have bothered you"
"No worries, I have already experienced a friend having panic attacks"
"Yes but you're my driver I should not bother you with this"
"Let's make a deal, I'm not your driver and you're not my engineer, we are friends, what do you think?"
I smile and say "I'd love to"
"Perfect" he smile "now I have to go"
-

We arrived in Zandvoort on Friday and the situation is even worse than Austria, the Orange army is everywhere, Lewis stays with me all the time he can and if he's not here he asks someone to stay with me.
"Lewis, I'm fine I can go around the paddock alone"
"Not here"
"Lewis, don't worry really it's safe"
"Austria was also safe, I'm sorry but do you want me to worry all the time?"
"No" I say hugging him "I don't"
He kisses my forehead "I know I'm an old crazy man"
"Yeah I wanted to tell you that, kinda annoying" I joke.
"You love me."
"I love you" I kiss him.

On Saturday we start seeing that something in the car is not working as it should, it's a nightmare.
"Hey"
It's George touching my shoulder, I fell asleep on the desk.
"Oh God"
He laughs "No worries, have you eaten yet? It's dinner time and Lewis was looking for you, do you wanna join us?"
"I should finish this"
"30 minutes not more, promise"
"Alright, I am starving actually" I smile
"The chef made pasta alla carbonara, it's delicious, well for me and you, Lewis got his vegan stuffs"
"I love carbonara"
"How did you say it?"
"Ca-R-BO-nara" I say switching to my Italian accent.
"Carrrbonara?"
"Too much R" I say laughing "hey Lewis"
"Hi little star, what are you chatting about?"
"Trying to teach Georgie how to correctly say Carbonara"
"Carrrbonara" he looks proud.
"You British people are strange, not saying R in half of your words and then strongly pronunce it in Italians" I say laughing.
"Guilty" says George laughing.

On Sunday it looks like the car doesn't want to go, I'm so angry with the new regulations I was expecting something better.
"What the hell" says Toto seeing the gap with the others.
"We really can't understand why"
"I hate this car" he says throwing away the headphones.
I don't blame him, I really don't see where the problem is so I don't even now what to fix. What an awful weekend.

"You look stunning" says Lewis looking at me, I'm wearing a little red dress with no sleeves.
"Montecarlo party style" I smile
"Sad that you can't dress like this everyday"
"Lewis this might be sexy but is extremely uncomfortable" I say laughing.
"As I said, sad" he laughs.

We arrive at the club and get into the private party, there is a lot of people but what I really need is to drink, two work weekends in a row are always exhausting and I have another one ahead so I really wanna to have fun tonight.After a few drinks I go on the dance floor with Lewis.
"Kinda remember me of that dance night in May" he says.
"What a night, less drunk back then" I laugh and he nods sipping from his glass and we continue dancing.

"Hey"
"Heey look at the birthday boy!" I scream seeing Carlos.
"Posso parlarti?" [Can I talk to you?]
"Ora? Puoi urlarmi se vuoi" [now? You can scream me if you want] I say laughing.
"Was the vodka lemon good?" says Lando from behind Carlos.
"They were perfect"
"I can see" he says "if you want to tell that to her, you should wait for her to be sober"
"I'm sober" I'm offended.
"Sure honey" says Lando touching my shoulder.
"I need to do it tonight, I need to be this level of drunk unfortunately" says Carlos
"We can go somewhere else? I can't hear a thing in here" I say mixing my drink with the straw.

We go on the terrace and as I put my glass on the table I say "Go, tell me"
"I love you"
"Scusa non penso di aver sentito bene, cosa?" [Sorry I don't think I heard that right, what?]
"Ti amo Isabelle" [I love you Isabelle]
He didn't just say that. He can't have said that.
"Cosa?" [What?]
"Ti amo" he comes close and try to kiss me but I push him away.

What's happening? Carlos? Carlos said he loves me? No Lewis loves me. But this is Carlos.
One moment. One stupid moment.
The alcohol gets to my head, my sight is not clear and I'm kissing him. Kissing him passionately with my hands in his dark and soft hair and his hands around my waist pressing me against his body. I feel the heat of his body and the passion of the kiss.

"No!" I stop as soon as I realise what I'm doing.
"Bella"
"No, no, no stay away from me, I am too drunk for this, I..."
"You kissed me"
"No I didn't, Carlos don't look at me like that, we can't and I love another man"
I'm panicking now.
"But the kiss..."

"What kiss?" Lewis appears from behind and he is furious.
"No Lewis"
"I ask What kiss?"
He is way too drunk too.
"I..." I try to find a way to explain but my head is completely unfocused.
"I kissed her" says Carlos
"You what?"
"I'm sorry Lewis we are drunk"
"Drunk? I don't give a fuck" he turns around and looks at me "you! You promised! You said 'I love you'! You cheated on me! How dare you? I gave you everything"
"Lewis please calm down, I haven't cheated on you" I'm crying now.
He grabs my wrist and tightens it "I don't want to see you ever again. Stay with the Spaniard. Fuck him."
"Lewis" he doesn't even look as himself "it's the alcohol who's talking, Lewis thinks straight please, I'd never do this to you"
"What? Fucking someone else?"
"Lewis please I haven't even thought about it"
"Fuck you" he says and walks away.

"Bella, I'm sorry" Carlos tries to come closer.
"Stay away from me, this is your fault!" I can feel a tear running down my cheek "Why did you do this to me? Why do you hate me? What have I done to you, Carlos?"
"Bella..."

I run away and try to go out from the club but I hit George.
"Isabelle? What happened? Why are you crying?"
"Lewis... I... drunk... Carlos..." I try to talk but I'm panicking and crying.
"Ok calm down, I'll take you home"
"No, I don't know where to go"
"Lewis house?" As I heard the name I start crying again.
"Ok you're very drunk and upset so I'll get a room for you"

George takes me to a hotel near the club and books a room for me.
"Are you calm now?" He says giving me a cup of tea while I'm sitting on the bed.
"My head still hurts"
"Too alcohol probably"
"George, I don't know what to do" I say looking at the hot tea in my cup.
"Now breath and tell me what happened"
I tell him what happened "I don't know why I did it, George, believe me. I'd never do something like this to Lewis. I love him, I never thought about Carlos in that way. You know how much I love Lewis, I..."
"Isabelle, calm down please, I'll talk to Lewis, ok? He was probably too drunk too. Now the best thing to you is sleeping, do you need anything?"
"No" but I start to cry again
"Ok, no no, do you want me to call Carmen?"
"No George, go back to the party, I'll be fine really"
"I can stay"
"George..."
"I'm not leaving you, now go take a shower, I text Carmen, and I'll stay until you are in bed and you stop crying, then I'll leave"
"Thank you, Georgie"
"No worries"

Before falling asleep I look at my wrist, I can still see where Lewis grabbed it, I think about the look into his eyes, it wasn't him.