Strangeness of connections

Hana (One)

"Hey
I hope you are well. It's been a minute and you've constantly lingered in my mind that I just find myself wondering if you are well... and as I hope you are cause if you're not - I'm sure you can get past anything. I've always known you to pretend as though you are well even when I knew and could feel you weren't. I hope you've started letting someone in as close as you could- closer than I have ever been to you. With all that, I'm wishing you all the best in life."

I stared at the text message I had just written to the very person who was my worst heartbreak. I never seemed to let her go even when all this has happened two years ago. I do not feel any resentment towards her. I truly wished her the best. I just- I needed her by my side. Maybe not exactly by my side but close enough for me to lean on her. I never needed anyone before and I had no problem letting people go or cutting them off but every time I do so to her, the more I want her in my life again. I came to terms with the fact that when it is time to truly let her go, I would but right now- I just need her to let me in again. Damn, imagine asking someone who continually hurt you to let you in. What level of toxicity acceptance is this?

I looked over the text once more and as hesitant and nervous as I was - I sent it to her. I couldn't stop trembling so I had to put my phone down and try to calm my anxiety. Why does she have such a hold on me?

No, this time I intend to take back the power she has on me and I can only do that once she lets me in.

As I was laying in my bed, I turned to the side and sat up straight then I reached for my phone. I was clearly still nervous about the response.

**incoming call**
"unknown"

I recognised the number calling me because it was the same number I had just sent a text message to. My heart was beating uncontrollably. Maybe I didn't think this over ? I wrecked my brain trying to think as to what I would actually say and in turn I ended up staring at the phone till it stopped ringing.

The aftermath of the call still had me vigorously shaking, yes vigorously. I practiced my breathing steps. Breathe in. Breathe out. At the third breathing sequence, my phone started ringing again and I was back to practically hyperventilating. I definitely didn't think this through. I knew she was alarmed by the text message, even more so that I had texted her from a number she's unfamiliar with. I just stared at the phone unwilling to pick it up.

She continued to call until I had 10 missed calls. I decided then to just take out the sim card and replace it with the one I normally use. I will deal with her later. I have this tendency of feeling all sorts of emotions till I practically force myself not to and then I go about my day as though nothing happened.

I changed sims and switched on my phone and dialled her number. She picked up on the third ring

"Hey"
"Hey, how are you?"
"I'm okay, you good?"
"Yes I am, so uhm I'm no longer feeling a bit heavy hearted so yeah can we meet later on ?"
"Are you gonna tell me why you felt this way?"
"I don't know why I just suddenly felt that way"
She sighs
"I'm trying my best to understand this but I just can't seem to understand why you feel a certain yet you have no idea how you're feeling"

I knew exactly why I felt heavy hearted. I kept thinking about my ex, Samka. I couldn't tell my friend that so I just had to tell her a white lie. I mean I do have moments whereby I suddenly feel deep sorrow and not knowing where it stemmed from.

"I know you are and you know I would tell you if I could"
"I know, come over to my place"
"I'll be there in 2 hours"
"Bye then"
"Bye"