The Affair

The Tithe

I've been in this room for thirteen days.

Tamlin only told me I couldn't go outside, not that I couldn't leave my bedroom at all. I made that decision myself. I have no desire to see the residents who live here. I saw the shock on their faces after I destroyed the pond, and I saw their forced smiles as I walked through the manor hall the next morning. I'm too exhausted for small talk, and I can't deal with the inevitable questions about my powers. So I've stayed in my room this whole time. Sleeping. Pondering. Being utterly useless. But at least I'm not causing any more major issues.

Tamlin is always gone when I wake up. The only time I see him is late at night when he sneaks into bed, pulling me into his arms and kissing my forehead before drifting off to asleep. There's not much time to talk. He's been coming in super late, looking utterly exhausted. I haven't asked what he's been doing lately, but I assume it involves calming down the manor residents who are scared about a possible attack from other High Lords in retaliation to my taking of their powers. I've created such a mess for him to clean up, and I'm useless to solve the problem myself.

Lucien has visited me a handful of times, but our conversations don't ever end on a good note. I've been trying to convince him to teach me how to control my powers. If I can control them then I won't have to stay locked up inside out of fear of hurting someone. I'd ask Tamlin to teach me, but I'm scared he will say "no" too.

He would give me the same answer Lucien has every time I ask. He says it's too dangerous. He says I'm safer here we're no one can get to me. Even more, his father—Beron—is powerful, and has four competitive heirs who would hurt and kill anyone in order to gain his favor and appear the best suited for the throne. If they all went up against Tamlin, they could very likely win. Lucien also says that if I did practice my magic, it would have to be out in the woods, where I wouldn't have to worry about hurting anybody if I lost control. The problem is that the woods are crawling with lesser fae, many of which apparently wouldn't hesitate to leak information to other courts in exchange for decent rewards. Lucien says normally they are loyal to the court, or at least don't care enough about the matters of the High Fae to get involved in anything. But winters are hard on lesser faeries, especially so soon after Amarantha's reign. Some are desperate enough that they may betray their loyalties for something as simple as food. I guess I can't blame them. I would have done absolutely anything if it meant protecting my family while I was human.

The only other company I keep now is with Alice, and even that relationship is getting rocky at the moment. I sleep for as long as I can these days before she has to physically drag me out of bed, usually around one in the afternoon. She then takes me to the bathroom to bathe, brushing the knots in my hair that I get from a restless night of tossing and turning. Once Alice helps me get changed, she forces me to eat a little food.

The rest of of my day is spent sitting at the large window of the bedroom and looking out to the garden.

I do this for hours.

Sometimes I'll observe the people walking around; other times I'll think about my own life. I'll think about my family, what happened under the mountain, the burden I am on Tamlin, and what will happen with my powers now. When my mind is extra weak, however, my thoughts ultimately drift towards Rhysand, but I try to block him out as much as possible. Thoughts of him only lead to feelings of gut-wrenching guilt. Guilt for thinking of him in a way that I should not—a way that Tamlin doesn't deserve.

Other times I don't think about anything. My eyes may be glued on the garden, but I don't register anything I see. A cloudy fog covers my mind, and time ceases to exist. These are the moments where I am granted a sense of peace. No longer burdened by my all consuming guilt and exhaustion. But it never lasts