The Affair

Calanmai

After two weeks of training, I feel stronger than ever. At least in the physical sense. Mentally, im still struggling for a grasp on things, but I stopped locking myself in my room out of utter depression.

My new routine that requires me to get out of bed and do something with my life has led me to be more conversational to the people of my court, no longer avoiding them at all costs. That doesn't mean the nightmares are gone or my guilt has vanished, but life feels just a little more bearable, like I can breathe a bit easier.

Maybe if I can get a good hold of my powers soon, Tamlin will give me more free rein to roam as I like, out in the woods or in town like I used to do. But that feels like it may be wishful thinking. He will only loosen the cord so much.

Things have been better between us. We haven't fought since that dreadful Tithe. He's made an effort to dine with me every night, along with Lucien, so I've felt less lonely as of late. And our sex life is back to normal. I made an effort not to think of him again while I'm with Tamlin. It was a one time fluke. That happens sometimes. He's an objectively handsome male and his face happened to flash into my mind at a very vulnerable state. The imaginary dirty talk was also a result of said vulnerable state.

That being said, it feels like I've had a surge of energy lately that I need to either fuck or magic out. Speaking of fucking, Calanmai is tonight...as in ten minutes from now...oh, and I'm participating.

The last two years, Lucien has taken Tamlin's spot. He knew I was struggling with adjusting to life after the mountain, turning fae, and especially to life as a High Lord's wife. But I offered to be a part of it last week over dinner, causing Lucien to choke on his wine and Tamlin to drop his fork. It was quite amusing.

But now that I've seen faeries rushing around the manor in preparation for tonight, I'm actually getting nervous, slightly regretting my choice. I'm not much of a voyeur. And although no one will be watching us, they will know what's going on in that cave. And most likely be hearing it too. I cringe at the thought, hating the vulnerability of the situation. Especially for a woman—or a female, I guess.

This whole holiday seems very primal and animalistic to me. But I need to do this. It's good for the court to see things going back to normal. Lucien can't stand in for Tamlin for eternity, and after the last two years of him going into the cave with Ianthe, he subtly hinted at how uncomfortable she makes him feel. I always thought his weary attitude toward her was dislike or mistrust, not discomfort over having her sexual attention. I couldn't leave him to her vices again with that knowledge.

I look down at my short pink dress. The fashion of the Spring Court is mostly long and frilly dresses, but this one night every year, everyone dresses a bit more...risky. My straps are thin and the neckline is lower than usual. The dress hugs my chest at the top but sensually flows down to my upper thighs. I've never worn anything this short before, and I can't help but feel overly exposed, even if I do look good. My hair falls in long waves pinned with pearl barrettes, and I rubbed red rouge on my cheeks and lips.

What's also new are the swirled markings all across my body of blue and gold. I study my body in the mirror, trailing my eyes over the paint, but my gaze pauses on my arm. My tattoo. Alice tried her best to blend it into the painted markings on my body, but she couldn't do much for the eye on my palm.

I wonder if he will be there tonight. All High Lords were invited, but he never did show up the last two years. Maybe he only went that one time to add to the mask he held in place over the fifty years under the mountain. Maybe he won't ever come back. It might be wishful thinking on my part but I choose to assume he won't show up tonight, if only to keep myself sane.