The Affair

Practice Makes Perfect

Tamlin apologized relentlessly once I got back to the manor house. He said he could tell I was not myself, but he didn't know the extent of my unhappiness. He said he should have been a better husband and comforted me instead of turning away and ignoring my trauma. It felt validating.

He also opened up about his own feeling, and admitted that he was struggling himself with dealing with what happened under the mountain. He told me how the sound of my neck snapping haunts him. He told me how he helpless and weak he felt watching me fight to survive and not being able to do anything. He told me he was afraid to stand against Amarantha in fear of loosing and her killing me in retaliation.

It was the most honest and open he has been with me since what happened two years ago. I appreciate the fact that he is trying.

He also agreed to letting Lucien teach me control over my magic, which is how I found myself underneath the manor in a maze of underground tunnels I never knew about. Apparently there is only one way in and one way out. The maze is blanked in magic, and every wrong turn will lead you into a trap. The floor opening underneath you so you fall five floors. Fire blasting from the side of the wall to burn your face off. Hidden spikes that reveal themselves when triggered by movement.

The place is terrifying.

Tamlin says no one uses it anymore, but it used quite frequently more than a thousand years ago, when the line of succession was not as strong. He said that before his father was High Lord, the ruler of the Spring Court changed frequently. There were many powerful houses competing to be the ruling family, High Lords were murdered and betrayed often to be replaced by a new one. Eventually one male, Tamlin's grandfather, became High Lord and built these caves. There were many attacks on his life by other houses, but he was able to escape through the tunnels. His attackers were not so lucky, once they stepped foot into this suicide maze. The longer Tamlin's grandfather stayed alive, the more power he gained and the easier it was to suppress the other houses. He was ruthless in his killings and murdered many strong males who weren't even trying to take his throne just to be safe. When Tamlin's father became High Lord, no one questioned his accession, too afraid that his retaliation would be similar to that of his fathers.

Most people who lived at that time are dead now. There are no longer houses, but the descendants of those who belonged in the strong ones remain to be the most powerful and rich fae in the Spring Court save for Tamlin.

Now only a few of his most trusted advisors know about the tunnels, and even less know how to get through them without getting lost and brutally killed.

Lucien guided me through this maze effortlessly. I tried my best to count the turns, but I lost count after awhile. If Lucien left me here, it would be a death sentence. Best to stick by his side.

Currently, we stand in a hallway identical to the rest, working on fire control drills. It seemed to be the best start since I've used the fire frequently and that's Lucien's specialty.

"The most important thing you need to remember is that this is your power," he says across from me. "It doesn't matter that it came from the other High Lords. It's yours now, Feyre." I ignore the slight guilt for taking there power, even though it wasn't my choice. "If you forget the power is yours to wield and control then it will control you. Being scared of it is the worst thing you can do. You must embrace it" He explains.

"When I embraced the darkness, my mind was not my own," I say. "Or I guess it felt like my own, but I was thinking things I never have. Thinking about..." I pause as shame racks my body, an all too familiar feeling these days. "Thinking about destroying everything in my path."

Lucien offers a small smile and nods in understanding. "Yes. Power cannot only control your body, coming out of you at its own will, but it can also control your mind, especially if it has been repressed for so long. Tam and I knew to be wary about it, but repressed power tends to take much longer to manifest in that way. Your loss of control the other day shows that your power runs deep. I don't know how deep, but you are much stronger than we previously assumed." I don't take offense to being underestimated. How could anyone know what the consequences were for bringing me back to life. It doesn't exactly happen very often.

"Let's start small. You need to first practice how to summon your magic, in this case fire. Close your eyes and hold out your hands," he says. I do as he says and listen as his footsteps get closer so he is standing right next to me. "Imagine your body is a well. A well of magic. Imagine your power is at the bottom of this well, and you have to slowly draw it up to the surface." I picture his description in my mind. Diving deep into my body to grab for the magic I want. When I feel my mental fingers grab onto the power, I yank hard, bringing it to the surface. Heat blasts my skin as a bright light shines bright behind my eyelids. I snap my eyes open and see that the stone wall in front of us is now a wall of fire and it surrounds me and Lucien. Panic encompasses my body.

Lucien's eyes are wide and he lifts his hand. The flames die down quickly and then disappear all together. "I probably should have been more specific with my directions," he winced. "It takes a while to master preciseness. It's easier to bring out your magic in larger chunks rather than smaller pieces."

I nod, a little shaken from the energy I now feel running through my veins. "Let's do it again," he says. "But this time, pull it up slower and don't draw out as much."

I take a breath. I can do that. Simple, I tell myself. My eyes shut again and I go back inside my body to the well of magic, diving down and down until I reach the bottom. This time instead of grabbing the giant chunk of magic I did last time, I pinch some between my fingers, or try to. The power doesn't budge, not wanting me to take that little amount. My body screams at me to take more. So I do, but less than last time. I slowly pull the handful of power up and out of my body. When I open my eyes this time, fire is pouring out of my outstretched hands like torches. I panic for a second and the flames rise all the way to the ceiling, but when I hear Lucien remind me I'm in control, they die down to about a foot high.

The fire is mesmerizing. It's so bright and I can feel the heat on my face but I know it wouldn't burn me if I leaned into it. How could it when it's coming from my own hands?

"There you go," says Feyre. "Now put it out," he says.

"How?" I ask.

"Slow your breathing. Imagine the power just fizzling out. You don't need it anymore, so let it sleep," he says.

I slow my breathing, letting the tension I. My shoulders relax. I don't need it anymore, I remind myself. The flames sevens an inch or two. It's like a mantra in my head I play over and over again, breathing deeply until the fire is finally gone.

"Good," says Lucien. "Quick learner." Now let's do that fifty more times," he says.

My jaw drops and he raises an amused eyebrow at me. "Regretting asking for lessons, Feyre?" He asks.

I straighten my back. "Of course, not," I say. "Let's go again."

***

Lucien sticks to his rules and I pull out and kill my fire over and over until I hit fifty. Each time he told me to take less and less magic out of the well. It was so much harder than it sounded. I managed to pull out half a handful of power towards the end, rather than the whole handful I pulled out in the beggining. But Lucien ultimately wanted me to be able to pinch the magic between two fingers so only a tiny ember showed upon his fingers. He demonstrated with absolutely no effort many times. Meanwhile I was drenched in sweat from the absolute exhaustion I felt from an hour and a half of peak mental concentration.

I followed Lucien out of the tunnels, taking note of every turn even through my exhaustion, just in case I ever needed to know how to escape by myself, God forbidden. Lucien and I part ways back in the manor house with plans to meet at the same time tomorrow for more lessons. It isn't until I'm halfway up to my bedroom that I realize there is a slight smile across my face.

It shocked me so much I stopped walking. I can't remember the last time I felt joy like this. It felt good to be doing something purposeful. Something that wasn't planning a party with Ianthe or laying in bed all day. I did something for myself and although I wouldn't at all say I have control over my powers after one day, but I feel hopeful and stronger than I have in so long. I have to stop myself from searching for Lucien and demanding we practice some more. I have to have some patience.

For the first time in a long time, I am exited for something in the future.