My phone rang to the tune of "Holiday", jolting me out of my dreams. I groaned and picked it up. "Billie," I said, "what is it, and where do you get off disturbing my beauty sleep?"
"I'm bored and I've got an idea," he said, his excitement practically visible through the phone.
"Oh, no no no. None of your ideas until at least nine in the afternoon," I told him warily.
"But Geraaaaaaard!" he whined. "Please get out of bed just this once? I promise you won't end up in the hospital like last time."
"Wake me up when September ends," I said icily, pressing the 'End Call' button and placing my phone on my nightstand. Ah. Peace and quie-
Clack! Clack!
I opened my window and peered out. "What the fuck?" I yelled down at Billie Joe, who was for some reason standing in the middle of my garden holding a bunch of pebbles.
"You hung up on me!" he accused.
"Because it's ridiculously early in the morning!" I defended.
"Just listen to my idea and then you can go back to sleep, alright?!"
"Hell no! I'm not becoming your co-shoplifter, you never learn!"
He rolled his eyes. "You're such a killjoy. We're not stealing anything this time, alright? Besides the hearts of girls all across this idiot nation."
I sighed. "Fine. Just tell me your stupid idea, and then I'm going back to sleep."
"I think we should go to the zoo!" he said brightly.
I gaped at him. "Have you lost your mind? Are you 43, or 4?"
He rolled his eyes again. "Says the glittery 38 year old."
"Hey," I warned. "Don't go dissing my glitter, man. Glitter is acceptable at any age level. But the zoo? That's where Dad took Mikey and I when we were, like, 8."
Billie Joe smirked. "Haha. When I was a young boy, my father took me into the city. But anyway. Go get dressed, we're leaving in ten minutes."
"What?!" I protested. "That's not nearly enough time to straighten my hair and get dressed and do my eyeliner and eat a healthy, nutritious breakfast to keep my flawless skin glowing!"
"Just come on!"
"Damn it, BJ," I muttered, looking around for some cool socks. The last thing I wanted to do was visit the place in the dark where the animals go, but I knew at this point that it was just better to go along with what Billie Joe said and pray that it'd be over soon.
Long story short, I managed to get ready in what I thought was a reasonably small amount of time, but when I walked outside, Billie gave me an exasperated look.
"Oh, what is it now?" I demanded.
"We're going to a place with children, can't you look a little less morbid and imposing?" he begged.
I stared. "Can't you just darken your clothes and strike a violent pose?"
He sighed. "Come on, you fucking emo."
"At least I'm not sucking dick for cocaine."
"Oh, yeah, sure you're not."
We clambered into his car. I still wasn't completely on board with this whole zoo thing, but I would rather placate him now then have him have an even more stupid idea later and guilt me into joining him with the argument that "you wouldn't go to the zoo with me last time!" So, zoo it was. But if the kid did anything to embarrass me, I'd give 'im hell.
