I pulled away from Billie, smiling shyly. Oh god, I'd always wanted to feel his lips on mine, but now that it had actually happened, I just couldn't fucking believe it. Was this actually happening? It must be, because a mere dream could never make me feel anything so powerful as this.
"Hey, sorry about the shot thing..." I said, looking down out of shame. "I just... I can't help it. They make me feel so bad and scared and I just-" My voice cracked, and I tried to blink back the tears rapidly pooling in my eyes.
Billie Joe hugged me tightly again, enveloping me in his warmth and the subtle, yet sweet, smell of his cologne. "It's completely okay, Gee," he murmured, stroking my raven hair comfortingly. "It's not your fault, you can't help it. And I'll be right here every step of the way, okay?"
Billie's soft, caring voice had almost a sort of magic to it, washing over me and making me feel more safe and protected than I'd felt in years. I laid my head on his shoulder. "Thank you," I whispered softly.
He smiled and kissed my forehead. "Anything for you, Gerard."
We sat there in silence for a few more minutes, cuddling on the cool, smooth linoleum floor. Finally, I said, "I think we better go now."
He looked at me concernedly. "You're sure you'll be alright?"
I nodded. "I'm okay. I promise."
"Okay, if you're sure," he said, and helped me up, unlocked the door, and squeezed my hand as we walked out yet again into the bright sunlight. I squinted. "So where to next?" I asked Billie.
He shrugged. "The polar bears are pretty close, wanna go check them out?"
I smiled. "Sounds good."
He pulled me along down the crowded path to the 'Antarctica' section. I tried to ignore it, but the feeling of people around me was suffocating, pushing in on all sides, the constant flow of chatter streaming through my brain without leaving the slightest trace of meaning behind, their bodies bumping and jostling from every direction as Billie navigated through the crowd. Panic began slowly rising in my chest, constricting my lungs and making it harder to breathe. Oh no. I couldn't freak out again. Billie had just calmed me down once, what would he think if I started freaking out again? Would he decide I was too much of a burden and dump me? There was a high risk of that- as I knew far too well. Nobody liked me. Everyone left me. And I didn't want that to happen between BJ and I. I didn't know if I couldn't handle another breakup after the ugly showdown in 2013. I had to keep it together, for our sake.
I tried to focus on the one thing anchoring me down, Billie Joe's hand clutching mine as he pulled us through the onslaught of people. I just had to focus on that, just had to block it all out.
But then a school group of students pushed past us, causing my hand to be wrenched out of Billie's.
Fuck!
I looked frantically around for him, trying to find him before I lost it completely. But the crowd had solidified between us, and no matter which way I turned, I couldn't see him.
The people pushing past me, the feel of their skin, the deafening sound of their chatter... it was too much. I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it.
I slid down against the nearest fence, my hands clutching the sides of my head trying to block out the noise. The rusty metal scratched my back, but I barely felt it through all the noise and colors and people rushing past.
Burying my face in my knees, I began to sob.
"B-Billie," I whispered, barely loud enough to reach even my own ears. "Help..."
