The Grumpy Sunshine Series

A Bad Day

Originally Posted: 06/06/2022

You woke this morning with a heavy weight in your chest. Like lead settled in your bones overnight. A fresh dose of sadness in your bloodstream.

You weren't sure what brought this on. Sometimes it was a mission gone wrong. Or you'd learned gruesome, terrible historical event. Sometimes it was simply because you felt like you'd always be just a little out of step with the rest of the world.

It almost always started out as one singular reason. One identifiable catalyst. But like a dam bursting, all of the other reasons flooded your brain, leaving you drowning in massive emotions and crippling sorrow.

The bone-shattering crash after flying so high for so long was always brutal. A cruel reminder of when you were pulled apart and all but abandoned.

The world seemed too big, moved too fast, burned too bright.

The more you learned the less you knew.

You remember hearing from somewhere that this depression, this ache was like a little black dog that followed you everywhere. And most days, you could ignore it. But today, it felt like an overwhelming beast, a massive three headed dragon that you were left to fight all alone.

Maybe it was a culmination of cracks in the emotional dam that you ignored for too long. Or maybe it was that you were waking up alone for the third day in a row. Or maybe it was just one of those days and it was pointless to try and figure out why.

There were a lot of feelings, all pummeling you all at once, so quickly and so intensely that you're unable to compartmentalize and cope.

For one, you felt unwanted. And it was something you had to reconcile over and over. You were unwanted since the day you were born. Your parents gave you up, places that helped children in need didn't want you. It took you just over two decades to find somewhere you belonged. And today, it didn't even feel like you belonged here either.

Second, you felt like an open wound. Festering. Worsening with each tick of time. The scars of your past unbearably ached and throbbed. Constantly torn between a past you resented and a future that was terrifyingly unrecognizable.

Third, you didn't think you were entirely cut out for this. On days like today, you didn't feel particularly incredible. Not strong or smart. You felt permanently left behind.

You always wondered what would become of you once you lost your novelty. How long would it be cute that you were so far behind? When would those quirks become annoying at best and at worse a liability? Would they miss you once they pushed you off the precarious pedestal they put you on? Or would they just replace you with the next ingenue?

Bucky's antsy as the jet lands in the Compound hangar. For one, he's been on assignment for three days. But also, It's almost midday and he has yet to hear from you.

He wraps up his debrief at record-breaking speed, discarding his gear in his room where you're presence is not even remotely detectable, it's odd considering you once told him you like to sleep in his room when he's gone for more than a day or two. You're also not wandering the Compound like you do on your days off. There's an absence of you that's just a little too unsettling as he makes his way to your room.

It's even more odd when he finds Sam leaning up against your bedroom door, his arms crossed as he waits there. Bucky's immediately concerned, "What's going on?"

"It's a bad day," Sam mutters, his mouth twisting in remorse.

"A bad day?"

"It happens," Sam vaguely offers.