Unheeded Veracity of Sentiments

049 | Diary Entry

01.26.XX

To my companion,

It feels so heavy confining all these within myself. The comforting habits I have like sipping a cup of hot coffee in the morning or adoring the twinkling stars in the eventide cannot soothe my stirred soul.

There was an attempt to fix my authentically disarrayed room, but I could not maintain my focus every now and then. Reading was also part my choices but it only reminded me of how much comfort I got within his presence.

Everything reminds me of him now.

I do not know whether it's because of regret and conscience or because of the fondness that is starting to nourish inside my heart with every small connection we're building.

The question of how I end up here lingers inside my head like a loud, obnoxious echo. It knocks to every fiber of my being-awakening my heart that fell into deep slumber long ago.

I have never felt such alive emotions before. The raw aching, the tight tugging of my heartstrings and the strokes every bleeding. I shed tears without having a knowledge of the seed that made the tree grow. Rain pours and the trees stand tall, resisting and insisting.

Para saan? Bakit nananatili pa rin?

If I had the opportunity to cut down that tree, I would already have done it. But having these contrasting reveries planted on the field near that grown plant, I want to continue entertaining the thought of letting it stand still.

Just like anybody, I don't want to accept life's offer of struggling. Like every idealists' wishes, I want to live in betweens. Where there are no sunny or stormy days, no wintry or dry season. Just a serenely balanced day where I can romance myself inside my humble abode; doing the things that makes me fall in love with solitude.

But how can I do that when the raging flames of my heart got the best of me?

And now that the fire has gone out, where do I go?

Caziel, you deserve better.

A lover and an enemy,
Yesenia