It was morning again and my eyes sprung open. I remembered what had happened the night before with George and I couldn't believe it was real. I felt my body quiver with embarrassment. Was it love? Or was it just my craving for affection I've missed all these years? I rolled out of bed and looked at my watch. It was 6am. I never got up this early before but it didn't stop me from opening the door and creeping across the hallway to where George was. I opened it ajar and saw him lying there fast asleep. He must have known I was there because he rolled over and I quickly disappeared from the door.
"Matteo?" I heard a voice call in almost a whisper. I turned around and opened the door again.
"Yes?" I replied. George was sat up in bed now staring at me. "What's up?" I asked.
"Do you want to go for a swim?"
Did he really just ask me that? Without hesitation I nodded and he jumped out of bed and put on a t shirt and shorts. I headed down the stairs with him closely behind. I felt his hand touch my shoulder halfway down. Once we were at the river I pulled off my shirt and he did too. He was quite a distance away from me and I didn't mind keeping it that way.But then he began to get closer to me. I thought I was just imagining it at first yet slowly but surely he swam nearer until eventually he was right at my side. I suddenly had this impulse to put my hands around his ass and pull him closer, he'd say Oh Matteo don't stop, it'll kill me if you do, and I would stop just to tease him. I felt his hand on my back and for a split second George's eyes drifted towards my lips, but he suddenly pulled away as if he was convincing himself otherwise. I splashed water at him and playfully hit him on the arm. Then he jumped onto me and we collapsed into the water and laughed uncontrollably. We eventually swam to the edge of the water and got out. I put on my shirt and he did too. I shook my head to get the water out my hair and that's when I noticed him staring at my cock. It was subtle, and I almost missed it, but he was definitely looking. I felt my cheeks blush hard. He may have noticed me looking because he looked away immediately and combed back his soft hair. He was so gorgeous to look at. That's when I remembered Lucia. I was supposed to see her today. But strangely, I didn't seem to care. When I looked at George all I could think about was kissing his back whilst I took him from behind. He wiped his face with his shirt by pulling it up from the bottom, exposing his toned stomach. I wasn't sure why but that was so hot to me and I felt my crotch getting hard. I turned around swiftly to face the lake so he wouldn't see, but when I turned around he had a huge grin on his face. He definitely saw. Fuck. I waited for him to make a sly remark but, nothing. We didn't say anything else until we got back, we just went to our bedrooms again and didn't speak of it. I didn't know whether it was a good thing or not but I figured we had gotten somewhere and I didn't want to ruin it again.
However it was all about to be destroyed the rest of the day. As the day grew on I didn't see him once, nor did he speak to me once. He was avoiding me, I knew that. I saw him at lunch eventually but he didn't speak or talk to me, not even a glance in my direction. I felt as if I was being burnt out like a candle wick. I hated the feeling, I wanted it to go away. He left at 7pm and hadn't returned. I didn't want to ask where he was as not to seem desperate. Dinner came and he still hadn't come back, his chair lay there empty. Our cook wasn't happy at all, she didn't like late notice. I kept my eyes glued to the table as not to let them see the disappointment in my eyes when they swiftly took away his place mat and cutlery. It felt as if he was being ripped away from me in-front of my very eyes. It reminded me of how he would be leaving soon. After dinner I went straight back to my room. I didn't see a point of doing anything else and wanted to just go to bed. I couldn't sleep. I tossed and turned all night hoping, waiting for his return. It wasn't until 3am that I heard a car pull up and leave after somebody got out. The car door slammed shut. Then I heard him open his bedroom door and go to the bathroom. I tried to listen in for him to see if he'd noticed that I'd left the door open ajar hoping that the light from the bathroom would make the outline of my body visible to him. For a moment I thought he'd come into the room. The door opened. I thought he was standing over my bed, waiting to make a move. I felt my palms sweaty and my body quiver. I'm ready for you my love. I opened one eye and noticed my room was completely dark, had he locked the door? Then the door opened again. Why now? I slowly looked over my shoulder, it was just the wind pulling it open and shut. I buried my head in my pillow. Of course it wasn't him. How could I be so stupid? Had I really kissed him yesterday? Or was it just a dream? I kinda hoped it was a dream, but all the same hoped it wasn't. It was. I never did kiss him, I'd just imagined it as I looked deep into his eyes. I saw him in the morning. Just small talk. Am I alright? He asked. Yes I was, I told him. Tara he then said and left. Why did he say it like that? As if to say, I'll see you soon but hopefully not. An open ended goodbye with no promises. I hated it, but I couldn't hate him. That was the problem. I could not hate him. I wished he was dead just so this craving would go away. Every second he wasn't in my arms felt like unimaginable pain.
Just this morning he was so close to me I could reach out a hand and feel his crotch floating next to mine in the river. Now he wouldn't even do as much as look my way. What had happened in those hours? I didn't understand it and I wanted to know, but part of me didn't. Something about that mystery thrilled me in all types of ways. I'd like to keep it that way, for the time being. Was it really him I'd been searching for all these years? But if it were him, then why is it I sensual desire at the sight of my sweet Lucia? I fell asleep imagining Lucia and George naked.
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I didn't know what to do. He had been playing on my mind for so long but I really didn't want to go near him. I had his sister, she made me happy. He caused erotic temptation in me every moment I was with him. I needed to get space from him. I didn't want to go near him again so I made a point of staying out really late out on the rocks, that way he would think I'm busy with someone else and loose interest. I did like him, I liked him since I first placed my eyes on him, but I couldn't do that to him or her. I had to control it. It would do neither him nor me any good if I didn't. I would stay well away from him. But a part of me knew that I did this just so he would be more interested in me, a part of me wanted him to be interested in me.
I decided to distract my mind, so I went out with Elena, grabbed her hand and led her outside to the river that Mateo showed me previously. I felt guilty that I was using her in such a way, but she didn't need to know. And anyway, this would benefit the both of us including Mateo, he wouldn't see it that way though. I knew he wouldn't.
So me and Elena walked to the river side and sat down at the bottom near the grassy part. We both lay our heads back and looked at the sky. It was silent but a comfortable silence. No words were needed to express our emotions in that moment. We felt content with each other and were enjoying one another's company. It was nice. I could finally think of nothing. I didn't have to worry about work, issues, or Mateo. But part of me wanted to think of Mateo and each time I glanced into Elena's eyes, it was him I saw. I couldn't escape him. He was everywhere. She leaned in to kiss me but I could think of only him and I just couldn't bring myself to lead her any further. I felt sick with guilt so I pulled away. I was disgusted with myself.
"George?" She knew. She could tell by the look in my eyes. "You love him, don't you." It wasn't a question, it was a statement.————————————————
It was now mid-day and I hadn't left my room. But then I saw two birds floating past my window till they landed peacefully in a tree in-front of me. Instead of it reminding me of Lucia it reminded me of him. Should I go find him and take this as a sign? With many questions arising in my mind, I got up and ran downstairs. And there was Elena and George coming through the front door. I ran back up the steps, but she'd seen me. I walked up to her. George had already gone.
"What on earth are you doing here with him?" I interrogated.
"We came back from the lake." She replied.
"Supposed you had."
"You jealous?"
"Why would I be jealous?" I had tried to sound indifferent but I knew it came across as rude. Then she looked at me for a moment. She knew it all.
"You may not want to talk to me about this but, you have something special. Whatever that may be is up to you. However, something there is. I know there is, and you need to talk to him about it."
I could not process the words that were coming out of her mouth. "Elena- You're-"
"I don't want to argue with you over such things. Whether I'm wrong or not, just talk to him. Please? For me." I didn't reply to that, I just nodded my head and went off to find him.
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YOU ARE READING
A never ending train.
AvventuraA story about two people who slowly find out they were made for eachother. Yet, it is too late. Inspired by the books "call me by your name" and "find me". Written by Andrė Aciman. References to the film adaptation of "call me by your name".