Tired of emotions

I'm sick of me, I'm sick of them. 

I have my headphone because I don't want to hear them. Hear them flirting, hear them whispering sweet nothings. I'm sick of that. She put us away for him. 

Love should make you happy, she is happy, but she is only happy about him. She isn't even sitting with us like she used to. She is going away, flirting, whispering with. She leaves everything for him and nothing for us, for me. Don't be wrong about me, I am truly and completely happy for her. But I guess it's just not the same anymore. One of the main reasons I hate love is that love makes people decide, whether friends or love. Now, this still young relationship did show me something, something I am not really happy about. Our friendship is not as hard and real as I thought. I should be sad that she is slowly flying away from me, but my huge ego won't let that happen. I feel like a fool, I've been fooled by her. I really thought she was a really good friend. But indeed, when love comes, the lovers get blind and the people around watch, watch carefully every move, every step, just like a reality show. The difference is that it's not, it's us, it's her and it's me.  Love should not make things split. 

You can't let happiness be only one thing. When she said goodbye, I hardly hugged her, my sadness was too recent, too deep, and too meaningless to her. 

 Love can't be the only source of happiness in someone's life. 

Loneliness was and still is my greatest fear. I fear to be alone, to be left, I fear not to be noticed and to be laughed at or worse be pitied by others. 

 I think it was back in 6 grade. I was alone like I'd never been.

 But it's like my brain didn't want to acknowledge it, to see it. So I wasn't seeing it.

 In my own head, I was with friends, I was acknowledged, admire, and respected. Fuck that for real. I was not. I am thankful that my brain shut my eyes that very year because if, for one second, would have understood that no friends were by my side, that the others were laughing at me behind my back, and were thinking that I was just a stupid 11 years old girl. (A girl who was in her «What I-am?» phase.) You know when you're between kid and preteen/teen, the most confusing and painful time in my life. I didn't want to see it with my eyes, it did protect me. I had a crush on a popular boy without shame, (nobody knew of course). Weeks ago, I was happy most of the time. But with time, the thoughts came back. Are they really my friends? What do they think of me? I sometimes find myself annoying. I felt that what I was saying was useless or annoying. I tried to convince myself that I was good enough and that insecurity left my person. Oh, how I wish that was true. I hate how these thoughts haunt me. They haunt me, morning, noon, and night (note the reference) I hate them, just like I hate myself. You would maybe ask me why? Why do I hate myself? Well, who doesn't? I could bet my own mother (And I would gladly do) that everybody, once hated themself. 

Hate what I just said, I do too. Wish is just something useless, but deep in me, I wish that these thoughts would disappear and never come back. Ever. 

Your confuse writer, 

Signing off. xxx